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Band 5.5

Some people think that qualities a person needs to become a successful in today's world cannot be learned at university To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #qualities #person #world #university
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In
this
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 ambitious universe, with all the current technology, a lot believe that to be wealthy in life you have to finish university and work hard,
while
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 others believe that it is not a must nowadays.
While
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 both views have merit, I believe that to be successful a person should practice and learn regardless of the college studies.
Firstly
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, I strictly disagree with the old traditional way of achieving your goals, all have learned from their families that going to school for multiple years,
then
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 eventually to UNI will definitely lead to wealth.
On the contrary
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, nowadays we are witnessing wealthy women and men, who did not finish their studies and here they are rich.
For example
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, Elon Musk, tesla's owner.
In addition
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, Al Abar, Burj khalifa's owner, who is not even an Engineer, owns the tallest building in the world.
Besides
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, he did not finish his grade twelve as well.
Although
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 those people did not graduate, the fact is that they have achieved their
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
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 by being disciplined and always learning how to succeed.
Furthermore
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, a recent study shows that students are more likely to fail simply because they are programmed to not take risks. Despite what risk a person will take in his life, it is so essential because
otherwise
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, you will eventually face an issue and
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
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 down.
For instance
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, in the USA, more than 60% of workers who completed their studies are paying debt, and don't own a house or even a car.
Thus
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, they will surely face a problem and fail.
Moreover
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, the college will only teach you principles and guides, it will not teach you actual life principles and how to take risks.
To conclude
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, there are a lot of available sources to learn from it, it will teach you how to succeed, and how to build self-confidence, and all the mentioned are not taught in college,
hence
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 doing your own work and studying alone is so essential and will eventually lead you to be successful.
Submitted by ayoub.mehdi on

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task response
The essay provides a clear opinion but lacks in-depth analysis and development of ideas. The examples provided are relevant but need further explanation and elaboration to fully support the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a basic logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there is a need for more cohesive devices and logical progression of ideas within paragraphs to enhance coherence.
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