IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements and this sets a bad example to the young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
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At the moment, it is suggested that young ones
affected
Add a missing verb
are affected
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the
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by the
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 adverse factors
by
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of
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 fascinating
Correct your spelling
superstars
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super stars
Correct your spelling
superstars
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 who
has
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have
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 gotten plenty of
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
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 rather than they actually had. I personally agree that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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superstars give
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
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affect
Replace the word
effect
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 on teenagers since they do not good things for popularity.
To begin
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 with, famous
people
Use synonyms
 normally provide
Correct your spelling
up-to-date
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up-to-dated
Correct your spelling
up-to-date
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 style for the youth generation, using their attractive physical features
such
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 as suitable body proportions and sophisticated makeup. These offered gorgeous and fancy products' information have valuable influences for
someones
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someone
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 who is
into
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in
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fashion
Add an article
the fashion
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 industry or who try to gain new trends
knowledge
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and knowledge
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 for preparing their achievements in the future.
For example
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,
the
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apply
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Kim who was
the
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apply
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one of the best
celebrities
Use synonyms
 as
designer
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a designer
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 always research
the
Correct article usage
apply
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quality
clothes
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of clothes
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for
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to
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 suitable each famous person because the designer insists
the
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on the
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 importance of
celebrities
Use synonyms
' intense influences
for
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on
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Add an article
the youngster
a youngster
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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.
Therefore
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,
likewise
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this
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 case, it can be seen that
celebrities
Use synonyms
 absolutely
have
Add the particle
tohave
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lead
Wrong verb form
led
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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young
people
Use synonyms
's trends.
However
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, popular stars' effects are not always positive for young ones.
That is
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 because, as mentioned above, those
celebrities
Use synonyms
 tend to remain beautiful lifestyles so, young men tend to follow their lives.
Thus
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, minors started heavy makeup at
the
Correct article usage
apply
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primary schools and adolescents' consumption patterns had changed to
purchase
Wrong verb form
purchasing
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 useless items, even though those goods are expensive.
For instance
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, in Korea in the year
2010s
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the 2010s
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, one superstar
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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contracted the North-Face company which produces high prices outers, after
then
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, most
youngster
Change to a plural noun
youngsters
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 bought
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 and wore
at
Correct pronoun usage
them at
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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school. Followed the other problem is, if some students could not have those items, they had been discriminated
by
Change preposition
against by
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peers
Correct pronoun usage
their peers
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.
That is
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 because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 I feel that famous
people
Use synonyms
 could attack young
people
Use synonyms
's life
as
Change preposition
with
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 vicious effects. In conclusion,
although
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celebrities
Use synonyms
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 positive influences
for
Change preposition
on
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 students and youth generations, they are more likely to bring
negative
Add an article
the negative
a negative
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situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
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 to the student's
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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.
Therefore
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, it is convincing that the relevant entertainment businesses should control the youngster's industry
like
Change preposition
apply
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well-refined.
Submitted by Allazhar on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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