Nowadays more people are overweight and it is becoming a serious pressure to publich healthcare system. Some people believe that to avoid this, adding physical education in school carriculum is the best way. Do you agree with this opinion?

In the modern world, the ratio of obesity has been increasing, especially in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developed countries
such
as the USA, and
this
is giving a serious problem to the nation's public healthcare. Some people believe that the best and fastest way to stop
this
is to add more sports classes for school students.
Such
opinion has some good background,
however
, I believe,
in addition
to
this
, governments need to do more to fundamentally solve
this
issue,
although
they tend to be
longer
Replace the word
long
show examples
shot, namely to give nutrition
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
to citizens and support poor people to get
balanced
Add an article
a balanced
show examples
diet.
First
of all,
support
Wrong verb form
supporting
show examples
young school kids to obtain a habit of doing athletic exercises is
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
one good way to prevent obesity.
However
,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
is not only the result of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
of
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
but
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
critical reason is an ill-balanced diet.
For example
, the lower income segments tend to take
such
junk
foods
as hamburgers and fried potatoes all the time. As
such
, we need to change their mindset and make them understand that those
foods
are not good for their health. In order to achieve that, governments and schools must hold classes and proactively communicate to educate those citizens.
On the other hand
,
this
problem has
deeper
Add an article
a deeper
show examples
root
Fix the agreement mistake
roots
show examples
in society as a whole. By
which
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
I mean
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
that the
Add a hyphen
long-standing
show examples
long standing
Add a hyphen
long-standing
show examples
financial divide is one of the fundamental and critical issues of
this
serious subject. As said above, those who cannot
Correct your spelling
afford
effort
affort
Correct your spelling
afford
to buy nutritious
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
food have no option but to purchase cheap junk
foods
. For
this
, governments should implement financial means to support the poor to be able to access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
quality
foods
. In conclusion, adding more
Correct your spelling
physical
phyical
Correct your spelling
physical
classes is one idea,
however
,
although
they may take more time, I believe
this
fundamental issue can be solved only by providing knowledge of
balanced
Correct article usage
a balanced
show examples
diet and implementing financial
aids
Fix the agreement mistake
aid
show examples
to the poor so that they can take healthy meals each day.
Submitted by michima2011 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: