IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many doctors are concerned about the high use of computer games by children and young people. What mental and physical problems may arise from excessive use of these games? How could these problems be reduced?

#doctors #computer #games #children #people
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In the present age, public concern has arisen around the issue of the high use of computer games by adolescents. Many medics assume that a large amount of not only physical
,
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 but
also
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 mental problems may occur through
this
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 harmful habit.
This
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 essay will examine the main bad outcomes of cyberspace games and discover solutions to
this
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 dilemma.
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 of all, through excessive use of computer entertainment a sedentary lifestyle is being progressed, leading to a lack of a child’s physical activity. Due to the lesser amount of
sport
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activities
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 a juvenile’s immune system would decrease in its working quality, as well as the poor condition of bone and muscle structures.
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, nowadays, a modern kid would choose an engrossing game on the net rather than a sporty one with their friends, inclining more health problems.
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, it might occur that young people would underperform socially. The rise of addiction to technical devices may develop adolescents' inability to socialize with their peers, harming one’s speaking skills and ability to interact with the world.
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, in our technically revolutionary
world
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 most children choose a cyber way to communicate with others, forgetting the value of face-to-face interaction.
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, there is something we are able to do to prevent these harms. Most importantly, we are obligated to promote a more active lifestyle through
exercises
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exercise
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 and
sport
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sports
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 programmes. Schools should include daily physical entertainment with a sense of competition to encourage kids to take part
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in
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itin
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. The other essential solution is the idea of social events for students.
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, festivals or parties with their pals would create a great impact on one’s social behaviour. All in all, computer games are indeed harmful to young people, encouraging a sedentary lifestyle and poor social skills.
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, the bad impact of
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 dilemma can be reduced by not only engrossing physical
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also
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 social events at school.
Submitted by dominikskorbus on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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