IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
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This
Linking Words
 essay
desagrees
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disagrees
 that
government
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 is guilty
for
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the increase
of
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in
show examples
 overweight in kids. There are some reasons to support
this
Linking Words
 position.
Firstly
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, the family is supposed to introduce and maintain their good eating habits, due to the high amount of time they spend together.
Therefore
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, it is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 duty
for
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of
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 the family because
children
Use synonyms
 are their
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responsibility
responsability
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responsibility
.
Second
Linking Words
 of all, the schools and others kinds of educational centres should be
Correct your spelling
responsible
responsable
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responsible
 to maintain these good habits
such
Linking Words
 as offering healthy food and proposing a solid and interesting exercise routine.
Hence
Linking Words
,
children
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 can manage to become active and healthy, avoiding the increase
of
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in
show examples
 obesity.
Although
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 essay
Correct your spelling
disagrees
desagrees
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disagrees
 that the
government
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 is
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responsible
responsable
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responsible
 for obesity in kids, there are some things that could be done by public service.
For instance
Linking Words
, it could have more projects to decrease the prices of sports centre membership in order to engage more
children
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 to participate. The same thing could be done with the prices of healthy foods in supermarkets. To conclude, some people believe that the
Correct your spelling
increase
increse
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increase
of
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in
show examples
 the
amout
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amount
 of overweight
children
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 is due to the
government
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,
however
Linking Words
, the
Correct your spelling
responsibility
responsability
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responsibility
 belongs to their families. Introducing healthy food and an
Correct your spelling
exercise
excercise
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exercise
 routine are steps that can be done by families, schools and other kinds of educational centres to avoid obesity in
children
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.
Besides
Linking Words
, there are some projects that could
be settle
Change the verb form
be settled
show examples
 by the
government
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such
Linking Words
 as lower prices of sports centre membership and affordable healthy foods in supermarkets.
Correct your spelling
responsibility
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 is for the families
spend
Fix the infinitive
to spend
show examples
 more time with
Use synonyms
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
 and teach
eating
Correct pronoun usage
them eating
show examples
 habits domestic education
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government
goverment
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government
 can help with
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
show examples
 programmes, health
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initiatives
iniciatives
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initiatives
,
low
Correct word choice
and low
show examples
 price of healthy food
Submitted by augesta7 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
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