IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
This
 essay
desagrees
Correct your spelling
disagrees
 that
government
 is guilty
for
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 overweight in kids. There are some reasons to support
this
 position.
Firstly
, the family is supposed to introduce and maintain their good eating habits, due to the high amount of time they spend together.
Therefore
, it is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 duty
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the family because
children
 are their
Correct your spelling
responsibility
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
.
Second
 of all, the schools and others kinds of educational centres should be
Correct your spelling
responsible
responsable
Correct your spelling
responsible
 to maintain these good habits
such
 as offering healthy food and proposing a solid and interesting exercise routine.
Hence
,
children
 can manage to become active and healthy, avoiding the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity.
Although
this
 essay
Correct your spelling
disagrees
desagrees
Correct your spelling
disagrees
 that the
government
 is
Correct your spelling
responsible
responsable
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for obesity in kids, there are some things that could be done by public service.
For instance
, it could have more projects to decrease the prices of sports centre membership in order to engage more
children
 to participate. The same thing could be done with the prices of healthy foods in supermarkets. To conclude, some people believe that the
Correct your spelling
increase
increse
Correct your spelling
increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
amout
Correct your spelling
amount
 of overweight
children
 is due to the
government
,
however
, the
Correct your spelling
responsibility
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 belongs to their families. Introducing healthy food and an
Correct your spelling
exercise
excercise
Correct your spelling
exercise
 routine are steps that can be done by families, schools and other kinds of educational centres to avoid obesity in
children
.
Besides
, there are some projects that could
be settle
Change the verb form
be settled
show examples
 by the
government
such
 as lower prices of sports centre membership and affordable healthy foods in supermarkets.
Correct your spelling
responsibility
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 is for the families
spend
Fix the infinitive
to spend
show examples
 more time with
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
 and teach
eating
Correct pronoun usage
them eating
show examples
 habits domestic education
Correct your spelling
government
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 can help with
advertisement
Replace the word
advertising
show examples
 programmes, health
Correct your spelling
initiatives
iniciatives
Correct your spelling
initiatives
,
low
Correct word choice
and low
show examples
 price of healthy food
Submitted by augesta7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: