IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
it is true that some celebrities are known for their gla the
work
Use synonyms
 they do.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that these celebrities set a bad example for children, I believe that other famous
people
Use synonyms
 act as positive role models. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 achieve fame without really working
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
may have inherited money from
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
, married a famous or wealthy person, or they may have appeared in gossip magazines or on a reality TV programme. A good example would be Paris Hilton, who is rich and famous for the wrong reasons. She spends her time attending parties and nightclubs, and her behaviour promotes the idea that appearance, glamour and media profile are more important than hard
work
Use synonyms
 and good character. The message to young
people
Use synonyms
 is that success can be achieved easily
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and that
school
Correct your spelling
schoolwork
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 is not necessary.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are at least as many celebrities whose accomplishments make them excellent role models for young
people
Use synonyms
. Actors, musicians and sports stars become famous idols because they have worked hard and applied
th
Correct your spelling
to
develop real skills and abilities. They demonstrate great effort, determination and ambition, which is required for someone who wants to be truly successful in their chosen field. An example is the actor and martial artist Jackie Chan, who has
world famous
Add a hyphen
world-famous
show examples
 through years of practice and hard
work
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 kind of self can inspire children to develop their talents through application and perseverance.
Submitted by sma.stu2014 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: