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Band 5.5

More and more people in the city live in homes with small spaces or no outdoor areas. Do you think it is a negative or positive development?

#people #city #homes #spaces #areas #development
In recent years, the population
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 increasing day by day and more and more landmark buildings
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 erected so many people have to live in houses without outdoors and no spaciousness. A hotly debated topic is whether
this
 is pessimistic or advantageous growth. From my point of view, I completely agree that
this
 brings many disadvantages that I mentioned in
this
 essay. First and foremost, living in a home with a small space affects our physical development. In
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 way of saying,
children
 have no place to play and entertain themselves
while
 their parents do not have time to take care of them.
As a result
, they spend much time watching TV and playing games
instead
 of physical activity.
In other words
, adults have to work all day in the office but
also
 they lack space to exercise.
Therefore
, their health is not good.
For instance
, research by Hanoi National University in 2021 shows that 65% of
children
 and 80% of adults have poor bone health
due to
 inactivity. Moving on to the next point, small space or no outdoors affects the people's spirit. It means that
children
 without a place to play will not be active and happy, and they easily get angry.
Additionally
, after working, adults do not relax to reduce stress. The result is poor emotions and
children
 not being fully developed. To jump to a conclusion, people who live in small spaces or without outdoors
such
 as an apartment, and buildings,
… has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 many disadvantages growth. They will be influenced both physically and mentally.
Submitted by trandung09091999 on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks clear and relevant examples to support the points. The response is not complete and the ideas are somewhat clear but lack in depth.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is organized in a logical structure, but the introduction and conclusion are weak. The main points are supported but the examples lack relevance and specificity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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