IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Sales companies often try to recruit people who are motivated by money, as they believe that it will make them work harder. do you believe people are motivated to work hard by money and what other factors should be considered when searching for new sales staff?

#sales #companies #people #money #work #factors #staff
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Sales companies try many times to hire
people
Use synonyms
 who are motivated by money because they believe it will make them work harder. Deep in my heart,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 do not believe
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 statement. Perhaps
this
Linking Words
true
Add a missing verb
is true
show examples
 in some way but not most of it. There are several
argument
Change to a plural noun
arguments
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 for
this
Linking Words
 reason and
also
Linking Words
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will try to list the factors needed when searching
new
Change preposition
for new
show examples
 sales
staff
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
First
Use synonyms
, if we recruit
people
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 who are motivated by money, maybe they will
highly
Add a missing verb
be highly
show examples
 motivated at
Linking Words
first
Use synonyms
. But when they think the salary they got from the company is not worth enough with what they give, that
staff
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 won't be as motivated as before and will impact their performance in the near future.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Money-oriented
staff
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 does not put their customer experience and
Add a hyphen
after-sales
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after sales
Add a hyphen
after-sales
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 as their
Linking Words
first
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 priority,
meanwhile
Add a comma
,meanwhile
show examples
 they will try to acquire
Add an article
a customer
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customer
Fix the agreement mistake
customers
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 as much as possible that will end up
left
Change the form of the verb
leaving
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 a bad image for the brand due to poor customer service. So
hire
Wrong verb form
hiring
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who are motivated by money is a big no.
In contrast
Linking Words
, there are several factors and
criteria
Use synonyms
 we can use for recruiting
people
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.
Linking Words
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First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
Use synonyms
criteria
Fix the agreement mistake
criterion
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 is honesty. Hiring honest
staff
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 makes us
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not have to worry about their performance because we can trust them in their work despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the salary they get.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
criteria
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 to search
someone
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for someone
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 who has
Correct your spelling
integrity
intergrity
Correct your spelling
integrity
, someone who
walk
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walks
show examples
 the talk. If we can get that kind of
Use synonyms
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 we do not have to worry because they will do exactly as
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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they say.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least is
search
Fix the infinitive
to search
show examples
someone
Change preposition
for someone
show examples
 with high responsibility, with
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 factors we can get
people
Use synonyms
 who
responsible
Add a missing verb
are responsible
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of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their work and won't
left
Change the verb form
leave
be left
show examples
 their job undone. If we can get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new
staff
Use synonyms
 with these
Correct your spelling
criteria
criterias
Correct your spelling
criteria
, rest assured the companies will grow bigger and larger in no time. In
Correct your spelling
conclusion
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, hiring new
staff
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 need certain
criteria
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 which can make the companies better in the long term. Not just money-oriented
staff
Use synonyms
 who increase revenue in the short term. Search
staff
Use synonyms
 who have honesty, responsibility and integrity just so the company can grow.
Submitted by matlbert20 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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