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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more excercise and spend more time with their family and friends whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems.What are the causes o this and what are some solutions

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Nowadays the prospect of problems in the senior communities is rising, they suffer more health problems and loneliness. Truth be told,
this
Linking Words
 has been a problem for a
while
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 and it can
trace
Wrong verb form
be traced
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 back to the effect of human change of lifestyle in the
industrial revolution
Correct your spelling
Industrial Revolution
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 era. Loneliness is one psychological disease that can attack anyone no matter the age.
Therefore
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, in
this
Linking Words
 case, senior
people
Use synonyms
 tend to be left out by the young because of how centralized the world is now. If someone wants to afford a well-paid job and career development, they have to live in the
city
Use synonyms
.
Although
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, the problem is living in the
city
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also
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cost
Wrong verb form
costs
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 so much money, if they want to save up some money they only can afford a small room to rent and they have to
work
Use synonyms
 from 9-5 or more every workday, sometimes up to point they forget to take care of themselves.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is considered not a proper lifestyle to bring a parent to live with them.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, with the change of life view,
people
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 tend to be more conservative as they age so oftentimes there will be a clash between them and it is an exhausting moment to feel.
For example
Linking Words
, in Indonesia,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to live in communal and the workplace is near home because they
work
Use synonyms
 in the garden and rice fields in old age. But now, with the only chance to pay well by living in the
city
Use synonyms
, the family is spreading out, moving to other cities, and leaving their childhood home.
Also
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, another example is coming from Japan, which had a high rate of suicide in the old communities because of how lonely they feel living alone in suburban areas. The solution for
this
Linking Words
, in my opinion, is to decentralize
work
Use synonyms
 opportunities and pay more amenable wages for the workers, so it will reach out more into the small towns and they do not have to move out just to
work
Use synonyms
 in big cities which could make another kind of problem in the future. In conclusion, loneliness is an inevitable disease and it is caused by the complex cause of system to
making
Wrong verb form
makes
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people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 in the
city
Use synonyms
 and
leaving
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 their childhood homes. To solve
this
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, the government can start by making the
work
Use synonyms
 field more decentralized in small towns.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction could be improved by providing a clearer and more engaging opening statement. Consider capturing the reader's attention with a thought-provoking question or a surprising fact.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. In the conclusion, summarize your main points and provide a strong closing statement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good coherence and cohesion overall. Keep up the good work!
coherence cohesion
You have provided relevant examples to support your ideas. Make sure to elaborate on these examples to give a more comprehensive explanation.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear perspective on the causes and solutions to the issues faced by older people.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are presented in a logical and organized manner. Consider using transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas and provide more specific details and examples to support your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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