IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their be haviour most. Discuss both vie ws and give your opinion.

#people #children #influences #behaviour #amount #time #television #haviour #ws
It was argued by some people that what
children
 see on television will be influenced by their actions, the opposing view says that how much amount of
time
children
 spend watching
TV
 affects their behaviour. There are many important
channels
 child can spend their
time
 watching and spending some negative
channels
 will give negative thoughts.
Firstly
, there are many of useful content they can learn from the channel. They can observe communication skills from English
channels
 like HBO,
Movie
Correct word choice
and Movie
show examples
 Now, and watching these shows can help
children
 develop their communication skills and critical thinking.
Secondly
, the
children
 should utilise their
time
 for good content and to obtain knowledge,
for instance
,
TV
channels
 like TED Talk, news, and national geography from
this
 they can learn about current affairs, and the ecosystem and get life ideas from experienced persons.
On the other hand
, the more amount of
time
 spent on
TV
 will cause huge problems like obesity, back pain and headaches. They can lose focus on studies, and other activities like sports and it will affect their mental health. The more they watched
TV
 it felt like an addiction and they could not avoid watching television,
for example
, my cousin's daughter always used to watch
TV
 all the
time
 during the day and it caused so many health problems like wearing eyeglasses at the age of 10. In conclusion,
while
 television has both positive and negative effects on
children
. Parents should encourage
children
 to watch educational content and limit their screen
time
, so
children
 can gain useful knowledge
while
 avoiding the risks of too much
TV
.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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grammar
Make sure to thoroughly check the essay for grammatical and syntactical accuracy. Phrases like 'It was argued' should be corrected to 'It is argued'. Also, 'the more they watched TV it felt like an addiction' could be improved to 'more TV watching leads to addiction'. Proper grammar enhances clarity.
coherence
To achieve higher coherence, ensure that ideas flow logically. Some sentences can be connected more fluidly. For instance, 'Firstly, there are many of useful content' can be rephrased as 'Firstly, there is a lot of useful content'. Improved transitions result in better readability.
task response
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both views, which is a strong point in achieving task response.
conclusion
The conclusion is clear and sums up the essay effectively, providing a thoughtful solution by involving parental guidance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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