IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people argue that eating junk food has led to an unhealthy lifestyle. This problem has become more common among young people these days. Do you agree or disagree that junk food is the cause of the issue

#people #junk #food #lifestyle
It is often argued that consuming
junk
 food is one of
major
Add an article
the major
show examples
 causes of making
people
, especially younger ones stick to
unhealthy
Add an article
an unhealthy
show examples
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. I am firmly in favour of
this
 notion and highlight what may trigger
this
 matter in the following essay.
Firstly
, eating
junk
 food without a limit seems to have tremendous effects on the health of humans. Since
junk
foods
, or rather sweets, fast
foods
, energy drinks and to name just a few contain high amounts of calories, sugar and fat,
thus
 they may cause health-related issues
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 young
people
, like obesity, diabetes or maybe
heart
Add an article
a heart
show examples
 attack.Even though their effect can not be noticed in the short-term period, the youth consuming
this kind
Fix the agreement mistake
these kinds
show examples
 of products are likely to experience the influences in their later life.
In other words
, one of my uncles, who currently
suffers
Change the verb form
suffer
show examples
 from diabetes, regrets having consumed
junk
 food excessively in his adolescence. We, as young
people
, can see how he struggles during old age.
Moreover
, lack of regular exercise is another major factor that deteriorates our well-being. As several employers offer jobs which include just sitting behind a desk,
answering
Correct word choice
and answering
show examples
 calls,
may
Correct pronoun usage
which may
show examples
 attract most young
people
, and
this
 may lead to
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
. By the way, very little movement during the day can slow down
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
blood circulation,
breathing
Correct word choice
and breathing
show examples
 rates,
consequently
Add a comma
,consequently
show examples
 young
people
 have a tendency to lead an unhealthy
lifestyle
. From my own experience, I started to work as a bank clerk requiring inactivity about a month ago, and
in
Change preposition
after
show examples
 a while I noticed that I gained noticeable weight, which made me go up the stairs or walk long distances with much effort. In conclusion, having said that not only consuming
junk
foods
 in an improper way
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 insufficient mobility and exercise might have negative impacts on our healthy
lifestyle
.
Thus
, young
people
 ought to avoid
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
having those
foods
 as well as stay active
regular
Change the word
regularly
show examples
 so that they are able to maintain their health.
Submitted by jefnesbit on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dietary habits
  • self-control
  • advertising
  • appealing
  • convenience culture
  • fast food
  • obesity rates
  • nutritional education
  • affordability
  • psychological effects
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: