IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Traditional medicine, such as acupuncture and herbal remedies, is very popular in some countries. Those who practice traditional medicine claim it is better than modern medicine in maintaining and improving health. Do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint?

#medicine #acupuncture #remedies #countries #practice #health
It is suggested that indigenous
medicine
 is common in some parts of the world and people who choose
this
 way claim that it is superior to modern
medicine
. Since artificial remedies
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 many
drawback
Change to a plural noun
drawbacks
show examples
 for some parts of
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body , I totally agree that treating people with acupuncture and herbal
medicine
 is much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
better not only for health but
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 too.
First
 and foremost, consuming antibiotics and putting injections constantly due to minor health issues could impair
immune
Add an article
the immune
show examples
 system and cause
disbacterious
Correct your spelling
dysbacteriosis
. They can cure illness quickly and easily but they cause
Correct article usage
a distruption
show examples
distruption
Correct your spelling
disruption
 of
immunity
Add an article
the immunity
show examples
 system.
Consequently
, the
next
 time when people got flu or cold , they could not be treated without consuming severe antibiotics because their immune system might not work properly.
Moreover
, different tablets and injections do not destroy only good bacteria , but they
also
 have a negative effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 good bacteria and sometimes kill most of them.
As a result
, they cause
disbacterious
Correct your spelling
dysbacteriosis
interpreting
Replace the word
interpretation
show examples
 balance of organisms.
Contrary
Replace the word
Contrarily
show examples
, using natural treatments
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not have any dismal outcomes to the health aspects since
they
Add a verb
arethey
werethey
show examples
 predominantly rich in vitamins , minerals and
nutritions
Add an article
the nutritions
show examples
detoxifying
Wrong verb form
detoxify
show examples
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 body and do not propagate any infections.
For example
, in the USA patients, who have flu , are treated by abusing vitamins and drinking
limon
Correct your spelling
lemon
 tea.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, they are ubiquitous and may grow in gardens and fields.
Thus
 , they are not expensive
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 other artificial antimicrobial drugs. To sum up , I agree with the folks, who approve of herbal
medicine
 , and I reckon that artificial drug dependency may
distrup
Correct your spelling
disrupt
 our immunity alongside lead to
disbacterious
Correct your spelling
dysbacteriosis
.
Therefore
 , being treated
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 natural remedies are cheap and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 fewer bad effects
Submitted by sevinchazimova11 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: