IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that the best way to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school and some people believe that parents should teach them to have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

Whether academic institutions or parents should take main responsibility for youngsters’ abstemious lifestyles remains a controversial topic. From my perspective, both arguments are reasonable, but I’m still in favour of the latter point. I will explain my preference in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, advocates of the first standpoint have their rational grounds.
First,
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schools could add knowledge about daily meals into extracurricular activities. To be specific, students will be more interested in those topics when they are able to carry them simultaneously with other amusing programs.
As a result
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, they could effectively approach
such
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 boring information without much time and effort.
Second,
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educators have the capability to interpret scientific reasons for having a healthy diet. To elaborate, pupils are more likely to comprehend the benefits of
such
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 a lifestyle which they used to regard as pointless.
Therefore
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, they would actively and voluntarily accept and begin to do it without being prompted.
On the other hand
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, the above arguments are insufficient to overshadow the merits of the second standpoint. First and foremost, parents easily convince their offspring to mimic their habits.
In particular
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, they prepare dishes and cook for their children on a daily basis so they are able to teach their kids practical insights which teachers lack the ability to carry out.
In addition
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, learners could have more time to concentrate on their main subjects. Particularly, teaching about diets in schools may occupy a significant amount of time which belongs to other crucial lessons.
Thus
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, children would face poor academic performance which exerts detrimental impacts on their future. In conclusion, schools could provide productive learning methods and theoretical knowledge for pupils in the field of healthy meals.
Nonetheless
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,
said
Verb problem
apply
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a field should be delivered by parents who enable children to acquire facts and avoid achieving bad academic performances.

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task achievement
Consider expanding your ideas with more detailed examples. For instance, when discussing how parents can teach healthy eating, mention specific activities or strategies they might use.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. You might use more linking phrases to enhance cohesion between ideas, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition'.
task achievement
Clarify your opinion in the introduction. Instead of saying you're in favour of 'the latter point', you could specify that you believe parents should take primary responsibility.
task achievement
You present two clear perspectives on the topic, giving a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Your arguments are logically structured, with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed, reinforcing your opinion.
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