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Band 4.5

A lot of people think people are being over dependent on phones and the internet? Do you agree or disagree?

#people #phones #internet
• In our modern life, technology has been developing
day
 by
day
 and many
people
 utilize them to do all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. Nowadays the majority of individuals point out that,
people
 are not able to live without technology especially mobile phones and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, and they do not imagine their life without them, and I completely
agree
Add the preposition
onagree
toagree
withagree
show examples
this
 point because
humans
 are developing them. • On the one hand a number of inhabitants depend on the
internet
 and
smartphones
 and nowadays everybody
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a smartphone
and
Correct word choice
apply
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even five and six years old children are able to
use
 the
Internet
 and telephone because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smartphones
 are one of the most available ways to do all
kind
 of things, especially adolescents because if
people
 need some
kind
 of information which is related to their education, they are able to find them through the
internet
 on their telephone without difficulties and they can watch some
kind
 of videos, and read novels and newspapers through the web site on their telephones . So nowadays many
people
 depend on
smartphones
 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
.
For example
, In Korea, the government built a special road for
people
 who
use
 mobile phones while they move, because there are all
people
use
Correct pronoun usage
who use
show examples
smartphones
 while they walk, and they drag them. •
On the other hand
, there are some negative effects of utilizing phones and
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
.
First
 of all, individuals
use
 the
internet
 and
smartphones
 despite
know
Change the verb form
knowing
show examples
 their negative effects
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their health and their culture because nowadays
people
 are connecting to
telephone
Correct article usage
the telephone
show examples
, and they do not have enough time for their family and friends. So many
humans
 arise relationships between them, and it damages their eyes because the telephones have
a radiation rays
Correct the article-noun agreement
a radiation ray
radiation rays
show examples
. According to the
statistics
Add a comma
,statistics
show examples
 nowadays many
humans
 have health problems who depend on the
internet
 and
smartphones
. • In conclusion, nowadays a number of
humans
 depend
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
internet
 and telephones . Because they
use
 them daily basis they are one of the most significant things for
humans
. I strongly believe that
humans
 are depending them
day
 by
day
.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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