IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. Discuss advantage and disadvantages to children doing so?

#children #parents #part #time #job #advantage
The phenomenon of children
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 a temporary
job
 in their personal spare
time
 has aroused wide concern among various circles. Divergent as people on
this
 issue in question may be, I believe that
this
 has more benefits than drawbacks. Regarding the negative side of encouraging children to find a
job
 in their free
time
, probably the most significant one is that they should spend their
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing with their
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 or
rest
Wrong verb form
resting
show examples
 because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
homework and
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 should not be the only memory
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their childhood.
Nowaday
Correct your spelling
Nowadays
show examples
 in Hong Kong, schools require
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to do a huge number of homework become normal education,
meanwhile
Add a comma
,meanwhile
show examples
 they need to prepare for the exam twice each year. It basically
consume
Change the verb form
consumes
show examples
 all the
time
 they have left.
Therefore
, if they use the rest of
time
Correct pronoun usage
their time
show examples
 to work, it
is take
Change the verb form
is taken
show examples
 out the chance they create
memory
Add an article
a memory
show examples
 with friends and relax.
Dispite
Correct your spelling
Despite
 the aforementioned disadvantages, I believe that
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 a
job
 in
the
Change the word
your
show examples
 free
time
 brings about more benefits.
Firstly
, it can make children independent.
For example
, they need to deal with some working issues by themself or
seck
Correct your spelling
seek
 for help
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 colleagues. Either way, it
force
Change the verb form
forces
show examples
 them to think, it is a necessary process
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their development.
Secondly
, they get a
job
 more likely
increase
Fix the infinitive
to increase
show examples
 the income of their family. For
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 city like Hong Kong, a city with high demand
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
Add an article
the material
show examples
material
Fix the agreement mistake
materials
show examples
. It can reduce the
pessure
Correct your spelling
pressure
 on their parents.
As a result
, young people
encouraged
Add a missing verb
are encouraged
show examples
 to use their
free
Replace the word
freedom
show examples
 to find a short-turn
job
 can help their
mental
Replace the word
minds
show examples
grow
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 and help their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. Under
this
 line of thinking,
although
 young folk use their free
time
 for work which eliminates their opportunity to create their own childhood, It seems to me the benefits
are outweigh
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the drawbacks.
Submitted by frankyimp on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: