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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

PEOPLE ARE BECOMING MORE AND MORE OBESE. What are the reasons of this problem and how can this be solved?

There's a saying in Telugu,'If you can control your mouth,you can control your life'.Unfortunately,most of the
people
Use synonyms
 in the current generation are failing to do so,unlike in the olden days,and
that is
Linking Words
 the primary reason why our forefathers were fit and healthy.Obesity has become an issue we need to concentrate on and do whatever it takes to eradicate
this
Linking Words
 obnoxious disease,as I would like to address it. In
this
Linking Words
 fast-paced society,
people
Use synonyms
 have become so
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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engrossed in meeting the standards set by society to achieve what they call "success",but they're ignoring the fact that the so-called success they've achieved is of no use when their physical health is at stake.In
this
Linking Words
generation
Punctuation problem
generation,
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 where there's processed food everywhere,
people
Use synonyms
 are usually eating what they like rather than what they should.When we ask them when
was
Verb problem
apply
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the
last
Linking Words
 time they had something healthy,they're having a tough time recalling.Online food delivery applications
such
Linking Words
 as
swiggy
Fix capitalization
Swiggy
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,
zomato
Fix capitalization
Zomato
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etc.
Punctuation problem
, etc.
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 have made the situation even worse,as everything is at a click's distance now,unlike a few days ago when you had to travel to get what you want
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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requires
Wrong verb form
required
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 a substantial amount of work.And all these obese
people
Use synonyms
 have come up with new
terms
Punctuation problem
terms,
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 "
body
Use synonyms
 positivity" and "self-love
"
Punctuation problem
",
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to get away with how they are.
People
Use synonyms
 really need to know what the definition of
body
Use synonyms
 positivity and self-love is.It is having immense love and respect for your
body
Use synonyms
 that you would want to change it and make it better.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,the problem of obesity has not gone past hand yet.If we respond as soon as possible, things
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 fall into place.First and
foremost
Punctuation problem
foremost,
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people
Use synonyms
 should be cautious about what's going into their mouths
,
Punctuation problem
;
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eating right consistently is the first step to eradicating obesity.
People
Use synonyms
 should change their gears and increase their physical activity.I would strongly recommend
people
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 to start working out as it has magnificent physical and mental benefits.And I'm not completely against having processed foods
,
Punctuation problem
;
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it's okay to quench your craving once in a
while
Linking Words
.We are humans after all. 'Sound mind in the Sound
body
Use synonyms
' should be our motto.One
body
Use synonyms
 is all we have,and it is our duty to take care
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 of and look after it because our
body
Use synonyms
 is a temple.Thank you!

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structure
Plan with three parts: intro, causes, fix, end. Keep one idea per line.
content
Give one clear example for each point.
coherence
Use small link words like first, also, then, but, so to join ideas.
grammar
Use short and clear sentences. Check grammar.
conclusion
Finish with a short end that sums up.
content
Shows a clear view on the topic.
evidence
Uses a real life example (apps).
coherence
Some flow with link words.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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