IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that a greater difference in age between parents and children is more beneficial than less of a difference. Do you think the advantages of a greater age difference outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #difference #age #parents #children
It is believed that a family whose ages are a larger difference between
children
 and
parents
 can receive More benefits than a smaller one.
This
 essay will show that
this
 greater
dispanty
Correct your spelling
disparity
display
 provides family advantages and is a better tendency. One of the lucrative merits is that
parents
 can spend much more
expense
Replace the word
expensive
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
children
. In general,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly people are
likely
Correct quantifier usage
more likely
show examples
 to earn and save up than
parents
 who are still young because they already have made great reliance and have much experience in dealing with money. It means that they can select more qualitative
education
 for their
children
 without anxiety. In Japan,
for example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elder
parents
 tend to send their
children
 to higher educational standard institutions like private
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and culm schools. Because they believe that
these
Change the determiner
this
show examples
 high
education
 helps their
children
 to be happier. Thanks to adequate money,
parents
 are willing to spend their
children
.　 One possible drawback is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 older people might not have enough energy to raise their kids
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Children
, especially until their adolescence period/stage, play from morning to late at night, asking their
parents
 to play with them.
However
, the older, the
parents
 are the lesser energy they could have.
For instance
, there are some
school
 events related to sports being held in elementary
school
, in which
parents
 are required to attend these events, but they might not tolerate these situations because of their deteriorated physical strengths, but
that is
 the only pitfall. Overall, the bigger difference in age between
children
 and
parents
 has a very positive offer because
children
 can take higher
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 in
education
, due to the fact that they are fortunate enough to
loe
Correct your spelling
be
 financially supported by their
parents
.
Additionally
, it is known that 50% of the
students'
Correct your spelling
student's
show examples
parents
 at
University
Correct article usage
the University
show examples
Tokyo
Change preposition
of Tokyo
show examples
,
allegedly
Add a missing verb
are allegedly
show examples
 depicted
being
Change preposition
as being
show examples
 the most prestigious
universtiry
Correct your spelling
university
universities
, thereby, these
parents
 who send their
children
 to those
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 definitely have higher wages range than other
parents
 in Japan. In conclusion, the large disparity in age provides more positive points in
children
's
education
, while there are negative points.
Submitted by t.watpot216 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: