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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is best to encourage children to have a healthy diet at school while others believe that parents should be the ones to teach children to have a healthy diet.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, France is facing an enormous problem : children's obesity and the government want to find solutions.
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Although
Correct word choice
However
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, some
parents
Use synonyms
 tend to argue that schools must cook more healthy dishes
while
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 others
are
Verb problem
say
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 telling is a family matter. Both statements have obvious advantages that I am going to explain.
Firstly
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,
school
Use synonyms
 is the place to learn and to grow,
however
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, healthy eating habits can
also
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, be learned in
this
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 establishment. Why is it so crucial to
install
Correct your spelling
instil
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 a great relationship with food during
school
Use synonyms
 and to eat fruits and vegetables ? One of the most important reasons is that in some families,
parents
Use synonyms
 don't know how to cook and what's a healthy diet.
In addition
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, students can take the bus or both
parents
Use synonyms
 are working at lunchtime and they cannot go home.
For instance
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, I used to eat at my university and the menu was always with huge choices of green and orange vegetables, fruits or yoghurt for dessert wherein
come
Wrong verb form
came
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 from a partnership with a farmer.
On the other hand
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, youngsters are sometimes at home during midday because their houses are not far away from
school
Use synonyms
. The first two people to cook a meal are your mum and your dad, it is legit to think that they could in the meantime explain how to proportionate accurately a dish.
For example
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, my mother
guess
Wrong verb form
guessed
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 all her life that to be in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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good health, eating properly was essential. So she frequently made meals with every colour of aliments. She was true because ,in today's society, people eat too much sugar and so many fried products. The result is illness and disease
such
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 as diabetes.
To conclude
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, I agree with the idea of
school
Use synonyms
's implication in the well-being of the children
nevertheless
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, I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should
also
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 take
this
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 responsibility because they are the first to give food to their sons and daughters.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide a clearer structure, such as using paragraphs specifically for each point.
task achievement
Try to answer the question more directly by clearly stating your opinion in the introduction.
task achievement
Use clearer examples and explain them in more detail to strengthen your points.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is good.
task achievement
Your examples from personal experience made your argument relatable.
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