IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What are the solutions to make people drink less?

Nowadays, sweet beverages spread massively
in
Change preposition
throughout
show examples
 the whole world. The number of
people
Use synonyms
 who drink
sugar
Use synonyms
-based
growth
Replace the word
grown
show examples
 sharply.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 reason and solution for
this
Linking Words
 notion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are numerous reasons why
sugar
Use synonyms
-based growth occurs rapidly.
First
Linking Words
 and foremost,
sugar
Use synonyms
-based beverages have highly massive promotion through several
influencers
Use synonyms
 who have
million
Change the article
a million
show examples
followers
Change preposition
of followers
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their social media. In
this
Linking Words
 circumstance, many customers will automatically be influenced by their
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Jerome Polin, one of
Indonesian
Add an article
the Indonesian
show examples
influencers
Use synonyms
, promoted sweet beverages and most of his followers bought and drank those products in the easiest ways.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is undeniable that
sugar
Use synonyms
 has a substance called dopamine which is
effectful
Correct your spelling
effective
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 reducing
people
Use synonyms
's stress.
In other words
Linking Words
, the relationship between
sugar
Use synonyms
 and dopamine
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 influencing the human brain is undebatable, many scientists argued that dopamine's substance could contribute to positive
people
Use synonyms
's
mood
Fix the agreement mistake
moods
show examples
 and emotions.
However
Linking Words
, all factors aforementioned above could be solved in several solutions.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the government should collaborate with several
influencers
Use synonyms
 for spreading healthy lifestyle awareness to citizens. It will gain
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 attractiveness because
influencers
Use synonyms
 sometimes become
people
Use synonyms
’s role models for their lifestyle.
Secondly
Linking Words
, educators can educate their pupils through reading ingredient movements. It will increase both reading and knowledge about food materials inside. Ultimately, Scientists might formulate
sugar
Use synonyms
 ingredients in healthy substances. In
this
Linking Words
 case,
people
Use synonyms
 will have an alternative
sugar
Use synonyms
 in a healthy version for mitigating the higher risk of
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
sugar
Use synonyms
 has fruitful substance in our body response.
However
Linking Words
, it will be dangerous if it is over-consumed in the long term. Many
stake-holders
Correct your spelling
stakeholders
show examples
have to spread awareness to prevent the impact of it through campaigns or education.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar-based
  • drinks
  • taste
  • refreshing
  • enjoyable
  • marketing
  • advertise
  • cool
  • desirable
  • energy
  • tired
  • boost
  • social events
  • gatherings
  • parties
  • celebrations
  • choose
  • quick
  • common
What to do next:
Look at other essays: