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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, people these days spend very little time with their children. What are the causes of this? Whom does this affect more, parents or children?

#countries #people #time #children #affect #parents
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These days, there is a dramatic hike in the tendency of parents to spend little time with their dependents.
This
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 is mainly because of the strenuous working conditions of guardians
along with
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 the ubiquity of video games.
Accordingly
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, its impacts are utterly more serious on
juniors
Use synonyms
' lives than on fosters. Chief among the causes of
this
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 trend relates to the lack of daily parental supervision. By employees spending the vast majority of their days working in order to satisfy the essential needs of their
juniors
Use synonyms
 and support their families, they forget to spend adequate time supporting their minors.
This
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 can be witnessed by
apple's
Capitalize word
Apple's
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 workers who suffer from
high
Add an article
the high
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 competitive atmosphere at work which in turn drives them to work 15-hour shifts. One
further
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 contributor to
such
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 a trend is the wide availability and variety of cheap forms of entertainment and video games
such
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 as the PUBG game which attracts juveniles and lures them to isolate themselves rather than communicate with their custodians. There are a plethora of reasons why the impact of
this
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 tendency on children exceeds
this
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 on parents. One reason is that caretakers are considered to be vulnerable members of society because they lack life experiences;
subsequently
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, they are easily affected by various social ills.
In other words
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, if dependents are highly exposed to violent content through action movies,
juniors
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 will become prone to drug dealing, atrocities and alcoholism in later life. One particularly salient example of
this
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 is Egypt where there is a recent upsurge in crime rates among
juniors
Use synonyms
 aged from 7 to 12 which has resulted from spending long hours in front of screens. In conclusion,
this
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 is a problem of
such
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 complexity that no solution is likely in the short term.
However
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, caretakers are the most affected sector of society.
Submitted by ericssonsony551 on

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task response
Good effort in addressing the topic. Make sure to provide a more balanced view on the causes and effects of parents spending less time with children. Consider including additional solutions or perspectives to make your argument more comprehensive.
coherence and cohesion
The essay contains an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a positive aspect. However, work on making smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs for better coherence and cohesion. Use linking words/phrases to connect your ideas more effectively.
task response
Addressed the topic effectively by discussing the causes and effects of parents spending less time with children.
coherence and cohesion
Included an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion in the essay.
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