IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities.Others however say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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In today’s society, people’s perspectives on public
health
 have diverged. With the rise of
health
 awareness, the question of whether building more gyms and
sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 is the most crucial approach to enhancing public
health
 has become a matter of considerable debate.
This
 essay will outline both viewpoints, and I believe that there are other practical methods that could more effectively foster individual
health
. On one hand, proponents of increasing
sports
facilities
 argue that easier access to gyms, parks, and
sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 will encourage people to engage in physical activity.
This
, in turn, can help reduce obesity rates and related
health
 issues
such
 as heart disease and diabetes.
For example
, when communities have convenient and affordable access to these
facilities
, individuals are more likely to exercise regularly,
thus
 improving their physical fitness and
overall
 well-being.
On the other hand
, critics argue that merely increasing the number of
sports
facilities
 will have a limited impact on public
health
. They point out that other factors,
such
 as diet, lifestyle, and education, play a crucial role in maintaining good
health
.
For instance
, without proper nutritional guidance, people may not benefit significantly from physical exercise alone.
Furthermore
, public
health
 campaigns that address smoking, alcohol consumption, and mental
health
 are essential for a comprehensive approach to
health
 improvement. These measures can raise awareness and change
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 that contribute to chronic diseases and poor
health
 outcomes. For the reasons mentioned above,it seems to me that
while
 expanding
sports
facilities
 can contribute to better public
health
,it should not be the sole focus of public
health
 strategies.A multifaceted approach that includes educational initiatives, nutritional guidance, and policies promoting healthy lifestyles is essential.
This
 combined effort will more effectively address the various factors that influence public
health
 and lead to more significant improvements.
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task achievement
Your essay is well-organized and easy to follow. However, including more specific examples and evidence to support your points would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to balance the discussion more evenly between the two viewpoints. While your argument for the second viewpoint is strong, the first viewpoint could be expanded a bit more for a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
Your main points are well-explained and you presented a balanced view, which is crucial for a 'discuss both views' essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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