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Band 6.5

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

#children #terms #health #care #costs
Nowadays, the number of overweight kids is rising and causes countless harmful effects. These
children
 will face difficulties as they grow up related to their health condition and the amount of money they will have to pay to deal with the problems. I argue that the popularity of convenience food is responsible for kids
having
Verb problem
gaining
show examples
 more weight, so
this
 essay will provide solutions to how society can tackle the problem.
Firstly
, in modern-day families, both parents have a job, and it is uncommon for one to stay home, rearing
children
. The job market is competitive and demands employees to work hard,
for example
, for extra hours or even from their homes.
Consequently
, they do not always have time or energy to prepare meals for their offspring and choose fast food as a
last moment
Correct your spelling
last-minute
show examples
 solution. Convenience food contains high levels of fat and sugar or enough nutrients and vitamins,
therefore
 it is easier for kids to gain extra weight or even become obese. It is crucial to
solving
Wrong verb form
solve
show examples
 the problem of numerous overweight
children
 because
otherwise
, they will suffer from medical conditions in their adulthood and will spend money to try to deal with them. The first way is to educate students from an early age on the importance of following a balanced diet and consuming the necessary nutrients.
Subsequently
, they will be more careful about their choices and not crave unhealthy meals.
Moreover
, the state can help by providing healthy meals,
for instance
, salads and soups, ready for consumption, which parents will buy when they do not have time to cook. In conclusion, the number of overweight
children
 should decline to prevent them from having issues that will cost a lot to fix later in life.
This
 essay argued that the limited free hours that parents have to cook are responsible for
this
 situation and provided possible solutions to eliminate it.
Submitted by stellavasil52 on

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task response
The response addresses the task, but some points could be further elaborated to provide a more comprehensive answer.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good use of linking words and cohesive devices. However, some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and supporting details.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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