IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

to what extent do you agree or disagree that young people who commit crimes should be treated the same as adults who commit crimes

#people #crimes #adults
It is true that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young crime is increasing at a terrifying rate all over the world. While some
people
 tend towards the viewpoint that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
offenders
 should receive less
punishment
 than adults who commit
crimes
, I would have to support the idea that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
 who commit
crimes
 should be treated the same as adults. On the one hand, it is understandable for some
people
 to believe
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 mental intelligence is not fully matured at a young age, in which case
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
 are more likely to commit
crimes
 if influenced by others.
Therefore
, education, other than
punishment
 should be the main guiding strategy when dealing with
such
crimes
.
On the other hand
, since young
offenders
 are defined as persons without civil capacity from a legal point of view, it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bona fide that they should receive a lighter
punishment
 when committing the same
crimes
than
Change preposition
as
show examples
 adults.
However
,
at
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the victims’ point of view, the sufferings of the victims and their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 made no sense no matter how old the
offenders
 are.
Moreover
,
people
 who commit
crimes
are tend
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to be influenced by the education of their family and school, and the criminal motive of an adult could originate from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood experience.
On the other hand
, it is understandable that
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult
offender
Fix the agreement mistake
offenders
show examples
 could regret
for
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
their
crimes
 with greater maturity. In conclusion, the measurements of
punishment
 depend on the criminal
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, and the attitude of the
offenders
, rather than the age of the
people
 who committed
crimes
.
Submitted by bunyanchen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: