IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#children #lifestyle #schools #parents
Nowadays, the methods of living are changed considerably, while the
children
’s positions have undergone more than the rest age group people. I totally agree with the giving statement, believing that
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 world
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a noticeable potential to harm
children
 through junk
food
 and computer games, and two powerful organs, family and school, can manage these
problems
.
This
 essay intends to express my perspective.
First
, it can be seen that people tend to consume fast
food
 due to not having enough time, in spite of international health organs struggling. As a consequence,
children
 are accustomed to
have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
a junk
Remove the article
junk food
a portion of junk food
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food
 as a normal nourishment.
Therefore
, they are deprived
from
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 healthy nourishment,
needless
Correct word choice
and needless
show examples
 to say, they suffer from various diseases. As a vivid example, in
this
 era youngsters have a lot of allergic
problems
 which can solve by parents and
also
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
 system.
Hence
 if they provide healthy
food
 for them, the
problems
 will reduce remarkably.
Next
, regarding
technology
Correct article usage
the technology
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 era,
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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 significant time
with
Change preposition
apply
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playing computer games.
Therefore
, they have fewer physical activities in comparison with the past.
As a result
, they will have been lazy, unfit and patient.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bones
Change the noun form
bone
show examples
problems
 for kids are common
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days.
In addition
,
lake
Add an article
the lake
a lake
show examples
 of confidence among young people is
dramatic
Correct article usage
a dramatic
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 result of it. Eventually,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
confront
Change the verb form
confronts
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unhealth
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
show examples
 kids more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past and it
continue
Change the verb form
continues
show examples
 to do so. To sum up, whereas
alarms
Correct article usage
the alarms
show examples
 of scientists the
children
 are exposed to terrible conditions owning to the new lifestyle and I totally agree with
this
.
Bothe
Correct your spelling
Both
show examples
 of the most important power hand, family and school, can manage
this
 challenge and help
children
 to avoid consuming unhealthy
food
 and
also
 overusing
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 entertainment.
Submitted by ebrahimisara1369 on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
What to do next:
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