IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays some older people choose to live in the retirement communities with other people, rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development

#people #retirement #communities #adult #children #development
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It is quite common for people to live in a nursing home after retiring, some think it is negative.
However
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, I argue that it will keep them in mental health and relieve their children's burden. On the one hand, seniors live in retirement which will improve their mental health. Because there are many people in nursing homes,
so
Correct word choice
apply
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they can communicate and socialize with their friends and are less likely to feel lonely.
Therefore
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, it will help them maintain psychological well-being.
By contrast
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, the elderly who live lonely tend to isolate themselves which could cause mental diseases.
For example
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, the published reports by UBC show that those who had psychological diseases mostly stayed by themselves, and
this
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 proved that staying in long-term centres is the best way to maintain them in a good mood.
On the other hand
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, elderly people who are living in long-term care centres are less likely to rely on their children's responsibility.
Because
Correct word choice
apply
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In retirement they are cared for by professionals, so in general, their offspring just need to visit them on weekends only, which will remain enough time for their work or their families.
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While others
Correct word choice
Others
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 who are living on their own may need their children to be concerned for them daily which means it will disrupt their kids'
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 significantly.
For instance
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, most Canadian seniors
lived
Wrong verb form
live
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 in nursing homes and don't
count
Verb problem
care
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 about their kids. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
someone
Correct your spelling
some
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 contends that seniors are better
to live
Change preposition
off living
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 in their home, staying in long-term care centres is a good solution which helps them stay healthy and avoid bothering their offspring.
Submitted by jinyuming896 on

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task response
Provide a clearer stance on whether the development is positive or negative
coherence and cohesion
Add more cohesive devices and linkers to improve the overall coherence and cohesion
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