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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagreee. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests #disagreee
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Nowadays, when
employers
Use synonyms
 offer jobs they tend to require personal
information
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 of
employees
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,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 regards to hobbies,
interests
Use synonyms
 and if the individual is single or married. Some might claim that
these
Change the determiner
this information
show examples
information
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 could be
pertinent
Add an article
a pertinent
show examples
 and beneficial
while
Linking Words
, some may not agree.  On the one hand,
this
Linking Words
 will lead to an effective communication link between the employer and employee. Discovering
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
 hobbies and
interests
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 of
individuals
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 will enable
employers
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 to get a vast perspective on the
employees
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. In
this
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 way,
employers
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 ensure to get an evaluation on the basic qualities and
interests
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 that their
surbordinates
Correct your spelling
subordinates
 possess. These would be critical to enhance their work performance
as a result
Linking Words
 of, enjoying better working conditions which
contributes
Change the verb form
contribute
show examples
 to
overall
Linking Words
 job satisfaction.
For instance
Linking Words
, if the
employees
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 are good at reading and typing, they should be given more
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to engage in research activities.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
individuals
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 who possess good communication skills must be often encouraged to conduct presentations in order to attract potential clients to their businesses, in the meantime, the individual will benefit from ways to improve their skills and utilize
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 to do something more meaningful. 
Furthermore
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,
employers
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 can be flexible when
individuals
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 expose their marital status because it would be useful to give the
employees
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 their required leave as per the laws indicated under maternity/paternity leaves.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those who oppose argue that it is more crucial to look into the focal elements of the
individuals
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such
Linking Words
 as academic qualifications and previous work experiences. They insist that these would be necessary in order to perform the given job effectively
therefore
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, taking into account
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
employees
Change noun form
employees'
employee's
show examples
 hobbies and
interests
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more likely to be obsolete. Those who go against
this
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 view state that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
marital status is one's sensitive
information
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. 
For
Change preposition
Which
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, I strongly disagree as these
datas
Correct your spelling
data
 are now shared frequently among Facebook and Instagram accounts of the users. In conclusion, I think it is important that
employers
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 get to know
information
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 about their delegates to provide an
overall
Linking Words
 better working atmosphere.
Submitted by swevarod512 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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