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Band 5.5

Some people believe that children that commit crimes should be punished. Others think the parents should be punished instead. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #crimes #parents
Nowadays, most
people
 think that
children
 should be punished when they commit crimes,
while
 others believe
parents
 should be punished rather than their kids. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both sides and will favour the latter view. On the one hand,
people
 suggest that offspring should be punished
due to
 their bad behaviours. In
this
 way, they don’t repeat their negative actions.
For instance
, when a child commits a crime
such
 as fighting with peers,
parents
 can give punishment to their kid, including a restriction on video games and meeting with peers. When
children
 get these types of penalties, they can understand that their behaviour was wrong, resulting in
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 tendency to leave these acts behind them.
Also
, little ones can learn their every negative action has some consequences.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe that
parents
 should get penalties
due to
 being role models for their kids. The
children
 spend most of their time with their family members since they are born, and their
parents
 become the main characters in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
, kids tend to imitate their father and mother in terms of their behaviours and moral values.
For example
, if little one sees that his/her dad screams when arguing with other
people
, they perceive
this
 act as normal, resulting in copying
this
 behaviour. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 claim that
children
 should get penalties
because of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 committing crimes, I believe that
parents
 have a majority of responsibility for their kids’ actions
due to
be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 role models in their offspring's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by jtbeyhive on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and present, which is good. However, your main body paragraphs lack detailed supporting examples and development. Make sure to provide more specific and relevant examples to support your points.
task achievement
You have addressed both views and given your opinion, which is good. However, your examples and explanations could be more comprehensive and detailed. Try to offer a deeper analysis of the ideas presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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