IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, the government likes to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both sides and giver your opinion.

#countries #government #money #arts #people #health #education #giver
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The
government
Use synonyms
 spends a significant amount of
money
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 on different areas, including the
arts
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,
health
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 services, and
education
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 systems. In some countries, the
government
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 pays more attention to the
arts
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, and some people think
this
Linking Words
 is a positive trend, but others believe that
money
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 should be spent on alternative areas,
such
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 as
health
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, or
education
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both views and present my point of view. On the one hand, funding the
arts
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 could benefit economically to the
country
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 because it is one of the main aspects of international tourism. One of the primary reasons for travelling overseas is the fact that tourists are always interested in foreign museums, theatres and other artistic facilities.
Therefore
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, if the
government
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 spends more wages to develop and maintain its art fields,
for instance
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, the
country
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 will make more profit, leading to an improved economic condition. The more
money
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will
Verb problem
is
show examples
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 on the
arts
Use synonyms
, the more economic growth will occur.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are other areas that need more funding, including
health
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 and
education
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. The prevalence of chronic diseases,
such
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 as obesity and diabetes, is increasing these days, causing financial problems for the citizens.
For example
Linking Words
, the number of people who suffer from these
health
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 issues can be reduced if the authorities focus on public
health
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 and spend more
money
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 to
prevent
Verb problem
protect
show examples
 public from the diseases.
In addition
Linking Words
, improving the
education
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 system may be crucial for the younger, who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the key to developing the
country
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.
Thus
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, I strongly believe that spending a sufficient amount of
money
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 on
health
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 and
education
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 will be more advantageous for the
country
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 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run.
To conclude
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,
although
Linking Words
 spending
money
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 on the
arts
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 will benefit in terms of economy, it will lead to more positive consequences if the
government
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 spends more
money
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 on
health
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 and
education
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. I feel that
this
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 will be the optimal way to make the
country
Use synonyms
 a better place to live.
Submitted by sb.angar2011 on

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples, particularly in the paragraph discussing health and education to better illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Review the usage of transitional phrases to make your argument flow even more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
You presented your points clearly, and the essay follows a logical structure.
task achievement
Both views are discussed in a balanced manner, and your conclusion aligns well with the arguments presented.
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