IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people believe that
children
Use synonyms
 should be taught by their
parents
Use synonyms
 about how to function as useful members of
society
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that sending
children
Use synonyms
 to educational institutions is the best way for them to study
this
Linking Words
.
Although
Linking Words
 the latter opinion can be beneficial in some cases, I believe that family upbringing plays a more important role in educating
children
Use synonyms
 to be good parts of the community.
Schools
Use synonyms
 can be considered suitable places for
children
Use synonyms
 to learn to be good citizens. With standardized educational methods,
schools
Use synonyms
 can foster
children
Use synonyms
’s cognitive development so that they are able to contribute to
society
Use synonyms
 in the future.
For example
Linking Words
, Trung Vuong
school
Capitalize word
School
show examples
 and Vinschool are well known for having nurtured successful alumni
such
Linking Words
 as Professor Ngo Bao,
Professor
Correct word choice
and Professor
show examples
 Nguyen Hung who have devoted their talents to the development of the country.
However
Linking Words
, these people only represent a small fraction of the total number of students attending
schools
Use synonyms
, and
thus
Linking Words
 sending
children
Use synonyms
 to
schools
Use synonyms
 cannot be the best method of educating them to be good members of
society
Use synonyms
. I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 play a more important role in teaching them how to be good citizens. In Vietnam, the average class size is 20 students, which makes it difficult for educators to provide proper schooling for each student.
One to one
Add a hyphen
One-to-one
show examples
 lessons at home,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, allow
children
Use synonyms
 to progress faster.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 form stronger bonds with their offspring and
thus
Linking Words
, it is easier for them to shape
children
Use synonyms
’s personalities at an early age.
For example
Linking Words
, by telling stories
such
Linking Words
 as Robin Hood,
Cinderella
Correct word choice
and Cinderella
show examples
 before bedtime,
parents
Use synonyms
 can instil a sense of compassion and integrity into them. These
children
Use synonyms
 are likely to become good members of
society
Use synonyms
 when they grow up. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 sending
children
Use synonyms
 to
Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 can be seen as a way of teaching them how to be good citizens, I believe that domestic upbringing has a bigger impact on determining who they are in the future.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that examples used are specific and clearly linked to your main points. The examples provided, such as 'Professor Ngo Bao' and 'Professor Nguyen Hung', should be better contextualized to demonstrate their relevance to the argument being made. It would also be advantageous to use examples that are widely recognized and verifiable.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing paragraphs in a clear and logical manner. The use of clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can further help to guide the reader through your arguments. Making stronger connections between these points can enhance logical flow.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from varied conjunctions and cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. While the existing essay has a decent structure, using a range of discourse markers would demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
What to do next:
Look at other essays: