IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drinks products contain high levels of sugar, which casuses many health problmes. Sugar products should be made more expensive to encourge people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or diagree?

#food #drinks #products #levels #sugar #casuses #health #problmes #encourge #people #diagree
Some
people
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that companies that produce
products
 with high sugar content should
increased
Change the verb form
increase
show examples
 their
tax
 which may discourage consumers. It seems that it is
undeniable
Change the word
undeniably
show examples
 a good approach to tackle the problem. The main obstacle would be is the resistance of
people
 who love buying
this
Change the determiner
this product
these products
show examples
products
 against the rule makers. They may think it will be a punishment
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them if
this
 said product will double or triple the price in one night.
This
 can give a big dent
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
Add an article
a there
show examples
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
 daily budget and worse that they might suffer some withdrawal
symptom
Fix the agreement mistake
symptoms
show examples
. Once they can not afford to purchase
this
 sugary food and drinks. It is
enescapable
Correct your spelling
inescapable
 fact that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of us consumed it
during
Change preposition
on
show examples
especial
Correct your spelling
special
show examples
 occasions so I assumed everybody will be affected. Admittedly, It appears that there are many benefits
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 increasing the
tax
 on these
products
.
Firstly
, I believe in the saying prevention is better than cure.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
show examples
 if we can minimally or even totally
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not
consumes
Change the verb form
consume
show examples
this
Change the determiner
this product
these products
show examples
products
, the chance of having diseases like diabetes can be prevented. That may save us
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 buying drug maintenance in the future.
Secondly
, I assumed the more expensive it is the
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
 will purchase it. At the moment I think not all
people
 will like to eat a massive chocolate bar but because of its price especially on sale, the temptation is high.
Finally
,
this
 might encourage the owners of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 companies to invest in some healthy
products
instead
, if
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
 revenue will
be lessen
Change the verb form
be lessened
show examples
due to
 the burden of additional
tax
. To summarize, it seems reasonable to add
additional
Add an article
an additional
show examples
tax
 for
products
 with
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 concentration of sugar because it
outweigh
Change the verb form
outweighs
show examples
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
 disadvantages.
Submitted by Maria_magsakay on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured food and drinks
  • high levels of sugar
  • health problems
  • sugar products
  • consume less sugar
  • made more expensive
  • discourage consumption
  • contribute to
  • other factors
  • generate revenue
  • low-income individuals
What to do next:
Look at other essays: