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Band 5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others belive that some imformation is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.

#people #information #research #business #world #belive #imformation
Nowadays,
information
 plays a major role in any aspect. It has become the key to everything, as the
world
is depending
Wrong verb form
depends
show examples
 on
information
. Despite that, sharing info or data has become a controversial topic in modern society. Some folks believe that sharing more
information
 in the business, academic or science
world
 is good
while
 others disagree.
However
, in my opinion, too important and too valuable
information
 should be shared only for the sake of good but not always. One of the major reasons that I say not to share sensitive info is competition. For example, consider two burger companies that are the biggest rivals in the industry. If one company shares its recipes freely with the
world
, it will lose its business and competition with others. The second reason is increased vulnerability. A good example would be
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
scientific research about security systems, which
shared
Wrong verb form
share
show examples
 all the hidden
information
 with the public. From the moment the public knows how it operates, that research would be worthless.
However
, there are certain exceptions the
world
 needs to know all the knowledge.
For instance
, how did Coronavirus
generated
Change the verb form
generate
show examples
; whether it was a manmade virus or a natural action?
Furthermore
, releasing knowledge about new species would open up new opportunities for other potential areas. ie; the discovery of dinosaurs opened a number of archaeological paths, academic subject areas etc.
To conclude
,
information
 and data have become the most valuable
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
show examples
 in day-to-day life in the recent present.
However
, it should be handled with care and I believe that sharing materials should only
use
Wrong verb form
be used
show examples
 for the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the above-mentioned points could assist my opinion.
Submitted by dmdeemanthakasun on

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Language Accuracy
There are some minor issues with grammar and word choice which might interrupt comprehension. Please revise and work on the accurateness of your language. (E.g., 'belive' instead of 'believe', 'imformation' instead of 'information', etc.)
Relevance & Completeness
The beginning of the essay does seem to repeat the concept of sharing information multiple times. Try to avoid repetition and present your thoughts more concisely and succinctly.
Task Response
Your essay needs more specific examples and less general topics to support your main points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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