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Band 6

Some people think that we live in a society where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that his is improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #society #money #possessions #importance #lives
Some believe that there is no need to be affluent and rich in society,
while
 others hold
this
Correct determiner usage
the
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 view that money and wealth play a crucial role in human
life
. I strongly agree that money is a key role in our modern
life
 and I will show the reasons in the following essay. The negative aspect of being wealthy
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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 in consumerist societies which create more waste
as a result
 the environment will be damaged.
For instance
, a friend of mine who is so wealthy and follows trendy style frequently,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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not only purchases a vast amount of fashionable clothes every week
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 renews her home designs every three months. So, with
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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consumerism we cannot protect our
plant
Correct your spelling
planet
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 at all.
On the other hand
, the
importance
Replace the word
important
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 role of cash should not be neglected
due to
 the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 people could simply meet their both primary and secondary needs. As human beings, always
looking
Wrong verb form
look
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up
Change preposition
for
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 a sense of satisfaction in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life
. To illustrate
that
Correct word choice
apply
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what I mean, I recently
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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read an article that affluent commuters, who have visited unattainable places have reached more
life
 expectancy and cheerfulness.
In addition
, in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 society
which
Change preposition
in which
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 people are rich,
the
Correct your spelling
they
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 committed crime has at the lowest rate, so when
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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 have a wealthy society,
then
life
 quality is at a high level and feel more secure. Denmark,
for example
, is the richest and safest country
around
Change preposition
in
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 the world. In conclusion, despite some riches probably
ignore
Wrong verb form
ignoring
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negatives
Change the noun form
negative
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 effects on the environment, I totally hold
this
 positive view that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 being wealthy not only
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
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committed
Add an article
the committed
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 crime rate
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
, we do meet all
the
Change the word
our
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 needs effortlessly and obtain
life
 satisfaction.
Submitted by hameddallali on

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