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Band 3.5

Today people live longer after retiring from work. What problems does this cause for individuals and society? What can be done?

#people #work #individuals #society
It's undeniable that the lifespan of pensioners, has drastically increased,
However
Add a comma
,However
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this
 increase has led to overdependence on the younger generation resulting
resulting
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
in immense financial and emotional burden. Having a
retirement
 plan could greatly help reduce these pressures.
Firstly
, traditionally it has been the responsibility of the youth to take care of the old and more so
this
 is seen
whe
Correct your spelling
when
 they retire.
However
,
this
 dependence on the younger generation has led
majority
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the majority
a majority
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 of them to feel burdened financially and emotionally.
This
 is because most retirees especially those who worked in
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
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 jobs never prepared or kept any savings for later use during
retirement
. And,
thus
 causing the responsibility of taking care of them to fall squarely on the shoulders of the young. Enrolling in a pensioner scheme before
retirement
 could greatly reduce
this
 burden because the retiree could be making small contributions towards the scheme
Add the comma(s)
, therefore,
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therefore
 providing
financial
Correct article usage
a financial
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 cushion upon
retirement
. Currently, in
Kenya
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,Kenya
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 there is a National social security fund whose
objectives
Fix the agreement mistake
objective
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 is to provide financial security to those in
retirement
.
To conclude
, as life expectancy
continue
Change the verb form
continues
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 to be on the rise, it is essential to reduce the burdens placed upon the younger generation through proper planning of pensioners by enrolling into
pensioners
Change noun form
pensioners'
pensioner's
show examples
 schemes for financial security.
Submitted by wanjalahope14 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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