IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Many young people today spend a lot of time playing electronic games. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #time #games #development
The development of technology, particularly the internet, smartphones and computers, has revolutionized the way young
people
 spend their leisure
time
 these days.
Thus
, it has become increasingly common to see young
people
 play
games
 on their phones or computers. In my opinion,
this
 trend is both beneficial and detrimental in equal measure. There are numerous positives to playing electronic
games
 a lot.
First,
they help improve gamers' cognitive development, because to progress through different levels in a game, they have to think critically and
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 decisions on their own, both of which aid mental growth.
For example
, when I was young, I used to play Clash Royale online, where I had to place my cards appropriately to attack the opponent's tower and protect mine at the same
time
.
This
 gaming exposure helped me grow my logical reasoning, which proved useful for my school assignments where I had to think outside the box.
Moreover
, some e-
games
 help young
people
 prepare for real-world jobs. Counter-Strike, PUBG and Sniper Elite are all good cases in point. Players of these
games
 shoot, defend themselves, or if needed, fly a plane, thereby setting the stage to serve in the military or become pilots.
However
, playing computer
games
 excessively does pose problems, if looked at from a different perspective. These
games
 take young
people
's
time
 away, which could be spent on something more worthwhile,
such
 as learning a language or programming. Because young
people
 seek instant gratification, they might not realize that they are squandering their
time
. Aside from
this
, young
people
 tend not to socialize with their friends
as a result
 of devoting too much
time
 to computer
games
.
This
 is likely to lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness from others later on when they grow up and even may make establishing relationships with others extremely challenging,
not to mention
 health problems ranging from deterioration of eyesight to weight gain. Playing electronic
games
 too much has both pros and cons.
While
, on the one hand, it helps gamers' cognitive development and prepares them for a career, on the other, it can steal their valuable
time
 and deter them from socializing. That's why, I believe that it is as much a change for the better as it is for the worse.
Submitted by tjumagul67 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay is detailed and covers the topic comprehensively. However, consider elaborating slightly more on the detrimental side to balance the discussion thoroughly.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence, make sure all paragraphs are of roughly equal length and that complex sentences are split into simpler ones if necessary. This will improve readability and flow.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets the tone for the essay perfectly. Well done!
task achievement
You have provided strong supporting examples that effectively illustrate your points, which greatly strengthen your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: