IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Getting promotion is one of the biggest drives for people to apply themselves and work hard in modern workplace. Why do you think people are so driven to get promotion? What other factors influence people to work hard?

#promotion #drives #people #work #workplace #factors #influence
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The main reason why
people
work
 hard in the workplace is they have opportunities for advancement. I think
people
 who have
such
 passion do that because of the reward they can gain through being promoted,
such
 as an increased salary and a higher position.I will express why these are the reasons and what
also
 influences workers to
work
 hard.
Firstly
, employees being promoted in a company means they can receive better remuneration. Since our income determines the quality of our life, an increased remuneration can give us more chances to improve our living.
For instance
, we can choose healthier foods and more comfortable accommodations when we have a better income.
Secondly
, there are distinct grades in a corporation and having a promotion to a superior status can give workers more power. Gaining power is an instinct of human beings,
therefore
, pride is captured by humans when they have higher power.
Besides
, I think the
satisfaction
 of achievement can
also
 be the motivation that drives
people
 to
work
 hard. Accomplishing jobs successfully is a resource of
satisfaction
,
people
 can obtain happiness after tackling the challenges and what's more, improve their confidence.
In addition
, being promoted by superiors means your working skills are recognized,
this
 is another resource of
satisfaction
. Imagine you are one of the many in a company and you are the one who gets promoted, that means your capacities are more appreciated. In conclusion,
people
work
 hard to get promotions for salary and positions.
Moreover
, gaining
satisfaction
 from
work
 and being recognized by others are
also
 the reasons.
Submitted by ffff815 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting the argument coherently. However, the transition between ideas could be improved for better logical flow.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main points are supported with explanations. To enhance cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
Task Achievement
The response covers relevant points in relation to the question but could further elaborate on the 'other factors' that influence hard work. Include a more diverse range of examples and explore other motivations beyond promotions.
Task Achievement
While ideas are clear, they could be explained in a more comprehensive and detailed manner. Deepen the analysis of the motivation behind seeking promotions.
Task Achievement
The use of examples is basic and could be more specific and varied to reinforce the points made. Including case studies, statistics, or anecdotal evidence would make the argument stronger.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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