IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

#world #life #expectancy #individuals #society #measures #impact #populations
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In industrialised nations,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to live longer than ever.
Although
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 there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of
this
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 trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential
problems
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. Several related
problems
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 can be anticipated
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 one of them is
labour
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a labour
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 shortage.
Due to
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 the increase in life
expectency
Correct your spelling
expectancy
, the number of elderly
people
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 in those countries
grown
Add a missing verb
has grown
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 enormously
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leads to the lack of
people
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in
Change preposition
of
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 working
age
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.
Hence
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, it adversely
affect
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affects
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 operations
as well as
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 the process of manufacturing goods for societies. By way of illustration, many companies in Japan,
as
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apply
show examples
a high-level developed country,
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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reported that they did not have enough
staffs
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staff
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 for completing tasks and expanding business scales. Another issue is that the needs of retired
people
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 gradually increase.
This
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 definitely put
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such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
an
Remove the article
apply
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extreme pressure on the governments because they have to pay more money from the national budget for
pension
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pensions
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 or improving the public facilities serving those
people
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, but
beside
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besides
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 that not
disturbing
Wrong verb form
disturb
show examples
 the economic growth of the nations.
As a result
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, it leaves younger
people
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 more
stress
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stressed
show examples
 because they handle to work harder. In order to address the aforementioned
problems
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, several actions can be taken.
Firstly
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments should encourage reproduction
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 various policies that
benefits
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benefit
show examples
people
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 who give birth and their children. Increasing the number of
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
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 can be an effective way to reduce the impact of ageing populations because they would be an active workforce in the future and replace those that reach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
age
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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, old
people
Use synonyms
 should be accepted to work more by increasing the retirement
age
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. Authorities have reasons to consider
this
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 idea because
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 in
this
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 day and
age
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 tend to be healthier and stronger
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
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 them to do some part-time jobs
,
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apply
show examples
 or be in management positions. In conclusion,
ageing
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an ageing
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 population can lead to 2
problems
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 which are the lack of workforce and financial pressure on societies, and these issues can be dealt with by a joint effort of both increasing reproductive rate and retirement
age
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by trminhchau27 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
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