IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

#world #life #expectancy #individuals #society #measures #impact #populations
In industrialised nations,
people
 tend to live longer than ever.
Although
 there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of
this
 trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential
problems
. Several related
problems
 can be anticipated
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 one of them is
labour
Add an article
a labour
show examples
 shortage.
Due to
 the increase in life
expectency
Correct your spelling
expectancy
, the number of elderly
people
 in those countries
grown
Add a missing verb
has grown
show examples
 enormously
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to the lack of
people
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 working
age
.
Hence
, it adversely
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 operations
as well as
 the process of manufacturing goods for societies. By way of illustration, many companies in Japan,
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a high-level developed country,
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
reported that they did not have enough
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 for completing tasks and expanding business scales. Another issue is that the needs of retired
people
 gradually increase.
This
 definitely put
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
extreme pressure on the governments because they have to pay more money from the national budget for
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
show examples
 or improving the public facilities serving those
people
, but
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 that not
disturbing
Wrong verb form
disturb
show examples
 the economic growth of the nations.
As a result
, it leaves younger
people
 more
stress
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
 because they handle to work harder. In order to address the aforementioned
problems
, several actions can be taken.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should encourage reproduction
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 various policies that
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
show examples
people
 who give birth and their children. Increasing the number of
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
 can be an effective way to reduce the impact of ageing populations because they would be an active workforce in the future and replace those that reach
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
age
.
Secondly
, old
people
 should be accepted to work more by increasing the retirement
age
. Authorities have reasons to consider
this
 idea because
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 in
this
 day and
age
 tend to be healthier and stronger
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
 them to do some part-time jobs
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or be in management positions. In conclusion,
ageing
Add an article
an ageing
show examples
 population can lead to 2
problems
 which are the lack of workforce and financial pressure on societies, and these issues can be dealt with by a joint effort of both increasing reproductive rate and retirement
age
.
Submitted by trminhchau27 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
What to do next:
Look at other essays: