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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nobody would dispute the fact that some teenagers spend most of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 on their gadgets, and their behaviours
no
Add a missing verb
are no
show examples
 doubt influenced
due to
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 some reasons. In my opinion,
while
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 smart devices could provide benefits to our life, I believe it is prominent not to overuse
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
To commence
Fix the infinitive
Commence
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 with, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a range of reasons why modern children attach most of their
time
Use synonyms
 on smartphones.
Firstly
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, modern parents are either
over protective
Correct your spelling
overprotective
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 or too lenient
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their kids. For some reason, they intend to use smart gadgets to attract young teenagers to stay home
due to
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 the concern
of
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for
show examples
 safety.
Secondly
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,
due to
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 the
technology
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technological
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advancement
Add a comma
,advancement
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 we have,
youngest
Correct article usage
the youngest
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 can access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
thousands of millions
information
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of information
show examples
 by browsing through
search
Add an article
a search
the search
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engine
Fix the agreement mistake
engines
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. It can
allows
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allow
show examples
 them to self-taught every
skills
Change to a singular noun
skill
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 they need to be prepared
in
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for
show examples
 both professional
private
Correct word choice
and private
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 life.
Lastly
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, it could be dangerous to play outside compared to the years back in
Correct article usage
the 90’s
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90’s
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90s
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.
In
Change preposition
From
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 my perspective,
although
Linking Words
 they are quite a number of benefits
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using smartphones,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
I believe it is a negative development by far.
Firstly
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, teenagers who spend most of their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 on smart devices,
for example
Linking Words
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
iPad, might not have good interpersonal skills. They tend to have
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
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 personalities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they did not have
time
Use synonyms
 to meet new people in real life.
Secondly
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,
information
Add an article
the information
show examples
 they received online might not be true,
due to
Linking Words
 there
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 uncountable scammers out there and it is impossible to filter them out in one setting.
Lastly
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, immature kids are more likely to perceive bad influences on social media, which involves illegal activities. In conclusion, it can
therefore
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 be argued that we live in a technology era
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 there will be more technology invented in the future, but we need to learn how to differentiate right from wrong from the information we perceive online.
Submitted by yijiaa98 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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