IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a women's role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. What opinion do you agree and why?

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There is no denying the fact that the main
role
Use synonyms
 of females is debatable.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that a female should raise her
kids
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 and
teaches
Correct subject-verb agreement
teach
show examples
 them
life
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 manners.
However
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, some people argue that women must have their own rights and
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
must take their opportunities in the job the same as men do. I strongly believe that women must look after their own offspring and help them to grow in a healthy environment. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall explain my point of view and show why I believe
this
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.
To begin
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 with, females must stay at home and monitor their
child
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 education and behaviours in order to grow them up in a good environment. To illustrate,
kids
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 are born in
this
Linking Words
life
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 and
request
Verb problem
require
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 extensive care, the
mother
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 is the only person who is responsible
to raise
Change preposition
for raising
show examples
 and
look
Wrong verb form
looking
show examples
 after them.
However
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, if she is busy with her work who is going to raise her
children
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?
Thus
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,
this
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 makes it clear that a
women's
Fix the agreement mistake
woman's
show examples
 main
role
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 in the world is raising
kids
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 and she must be free to address her
life
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role
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 effectively.
Moreover
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, mothers should be free to raise their
kids
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 and maintain their mental health stable.
For instance
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, a prestigious journal article published that 50% of youth who are grown by a busy working
mother
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had
Wrong verb form
have
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 been affected by depression. Clearly,
children
Use synonyms
 need to speak with their moms and complain to them about their
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, if the
mother
Use synonyms
 is stressed out with her work, she will be tired and will not listen to their issues. Indeed, it becomes apparent that a female must perform her own
role
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 at home which is looking at her
children
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 and raising them . In conclusion, in my opinion, I consider that a mom spending her time looking at her
children
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 is better than working and leaving the responsibility of the
kids
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 and
hence
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 requires more attention from society.
Therefore
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, the
mother
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 must address her kid's
life
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 and monitor them regularly to make sure about their
life
Use synonyms
 and health.

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting the opinion that women's main role is to raise children, but it lacks a balanced discussion of the opposing view. Consider acknowledging the opposing view and providing a rebuttal to strengthen the response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat unclear. Ensure that each paragraph has a logical progression and that ideas are organized coherently. Additionally, use transition words to connect ideas more effectively. Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the main points more thoroughly.
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