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Band 5.5

Some people think that success is the best measure for inteligence, while others think that intelligence can be measured in other ways. What is your opinion?

#people #success #measure #inteligence #intelligence
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Many
people
 have a strong desire for
success
 in
life
. They work hard to accomplish their goals to have a satisfactory
life
.
While
success
 is often determined by the level of
intelligence
 of individuals, I believe that there are other important factors to contribute to
success
. On one hand, it is undeniable that
intelligence
 is the most reliable measure of one's
success
.
For example
, possessing sophisticated academic knowledge enables
people
 to go to competitive elite schools. Because the schools are greatly admired by many
people
 for their intensive education, those who can enter the schools can earn high status.
In addition
, those who graduate from elite universities
such
 as Havard and MIT are more likely to become doctors and lawyers, whose salaries are usually higher than other occupations.
As a result
, they are able to have a more comfortable and luxurious
life
 in the future.
On the other hand
, in spite of
intelligence
 being a primary key to leading a successful
life
, it sometimes has a negative consequence, which makes other factors more significant. In fact, diligent persons who concentrate
to increase
Change preposition
on increasing
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 knowledge often suffer from mental stress
due to
 overwhelming tasks and a lack of social activities.
In contrast
, those who have a regular habit of exercise are more likely to achieve physical and psychological well-being, which is crucial for happiness in every aspect of
life
.
Consequently
,
this
 allows
people
 to participate in various adventurous activities including travelling, skydiving and camping, through which they have more diverse experiences and encounter different
people
 around the world. In conclusion,
intelligence
 is often used as a primary measurement to evaluate the level of individual
success
.
However
, nothing can be more fundamental than one's good physical and psychological conditions to have a successful
life
.
Submitted by mizuho_kondo117 on

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task response
The essay adequately responds to the task, providing a balanced assessment of the relationship between success and intelligence. It effectively addresses both viewpoints and offers support for the argument presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure, but the introduction and conclusion could be more clearly defined and distinct. Additionally, the linking devices between paragraphs need improvement for smoother transitions and coherence.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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