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Band 3.5

Some people think that the Olympics is no longer important in the 21st century. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #olympics #st #century
Some people
are in
Verb problem
apply
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believe that the Olympic game lost their popularity and importance in
this
 era. I will consider
this
 subject and I will elaborate on my opinion too. The first international game goes back to the ancient
greeks
Capitalize word
Greeks
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 so they
hold
Wrong verb form
held
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this
 competition as an appreciation for their cultivates, which had grown in one year. Ultimately,
this
 ceremony
leads
Wrong verb form
led
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 to the gathering of all nations and tribes who
have
Wrong verb form
had
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 been controlled by the central authority, and it helped them to get
along with
 each other.
subsequently
,
this
 custom has been continued by governments who had been connected with
greeks
Capitalize word
Greeks
show examples
 and by passing of the time it
convert
Wrong verb form
converted
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 to cosmopolitan competition. So, friendship and
civilizations
Fix the agreement mistake
civilization
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 conversation
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 and are the most important
feature
Fix the agreement mistake
features
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 of
this
 ceremony; meanwhile, the symbol of
this
 competition is the five connective circles with different colours which is a metaphor for different human species. Regarding
Correct article usage
the
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industrial revolution, communication instruments have grown, and
consequently
, some people express that they no
more
Rephrase
longer
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 need to disburse a great deal of money for collecting nations and it is completely in vain in
this
 era.
On the other hand
, critics say;
having
Correct word choice
that having
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 utilised early components and fossil fuels, mankind put the planet in danger so
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coherence and cohesion
In developing your main points, ensure that each paragraph aligns closely with your overall argument. For example, the history of the Olympics and their role in fostering unity is relevant but seems somewhat disjointed from your argument about their importance today.
task response
Expand on your ideas to provide a comprehensive response. Consider both sides of the argument: explore how the Olympics may no longer be as important for some and what alternatives societies might pursue.
task response
Include specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning recent Olympic events or how the Olympics contribute to global peace.
coherence and cohesion
Revisit your introduction and conclusion to ensure they effectively frame and summarize your arguments, leading to a cohesive essay.
task response
The essay effectively begins with a clear position on the topic and outlines the intention to explain it, which provides a good start.
coherence and cohesion
You provide a historical context that adds depth to the discussion, showcasing your ability to incorporate background information.
task response
The essay recognizes both historical and modern perspectives, indicating an awareness of contrasting opinions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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