IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people prefer to save money. Others prefer to use their money on things they will enjoy. What is the best approach towards money? Discuss both side and give your opinion.

#people #money #approach #side
The way of spending money
is
Verb problem
apply
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varied
Replace the word
varies
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 depending on individuals. Many are convinced that it is more secure to save salary for their future. Yet, others believe that it is crucial to buy something for their happiness in return for their hard work.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give the reasons why I
choose
Wrong verb form
chose
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 the latter approach.
To begin
 with, many people believe that they work for their future lives. They throw in all their perseverance, energy, and resources
for earning
Change preposition
to earn
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 a lot of income and
collecting
Wrong verb form
collect
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 them for use when they get older. In case of an emergency, they will have sufficient assets to pay. To illustrate, my grandmother had a leg injury two months ago. Luckily, she has a
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
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 account which can compensate for
this
 cost. Because the older we are, the more diseases we will have. If people spent all the cash they have since a young age, They would
be suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
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 in the
last
 chapter of their lives.
On the contrary
, some argued that if not used now
then
 when
?.
Change the punctuation
?
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 Those groups are working in return for funds for buying happiness. Everyone does not know how long one can live on
this
 planet. Accidence and injury can happen everywhere at any time. Thence, it is better to use that capital for something they like which brings back joy
as well as
 fulfilment. In conclusion, the belief in saving salary for later life is crucial when one
faced
Wrong verb form
faces
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 an accident or severe disease.
However
, I have a strong conviction that spending our income on something we like is critical because we do not know how long we can stay alive. So, it is better to spend that money now.
Submitted by pnichapat.s on

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Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a logical structure, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the development of the main points is limited, and there is a need for better linking of ideas within paragraphs.
Task Response: The essay provides a balanced discussion of the two viewpoints and clearly states the writer's opinion. However, there is a lack of depth in the analysis of each viewpoint.
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