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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #hapinness #happiness
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If
Correct your spelling
It
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 is often thought that
financially
Add a missing verb
being financially
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 abundant is the prime reason to have a happy
life
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. It appears to me that
money
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 can be
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 factor in promoting
happiness
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
,however
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 there are
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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several factors to be fulfilled in
life
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. On one hand, it seems there
are
Change the verb form
is
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 evidence that
money
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 can provide
happiness
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 to everyone. Being
finacially
Correct your spelling
financially
 comfortable in
life
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 can
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
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 a person by having a
worry free
Add a hyphen
worry-free
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life
Use synonyms
 which can lead to
happiness
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. A good example of
this
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 is when you can purchase your basic necessities and travel
in
Change preposition
to
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 all the places.
However
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,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 believe that there are some people
that
Correct word choice
who
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 despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
minimal cash
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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opt to choose to be happy. In the
Philippines
Add a comma
,Philippines
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 it is quite surprisingly seen kids who lived in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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slum areas
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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rarely experience
to eat
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eating
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 twice a day
due to
Linking Words
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 a low salary but still
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 a smile on their
face
Fix the agreement mistake
faces
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.
This
Linking Words
 shows that the factors for
happiness
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 dependent on each individual views. There are
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
various factors that contribute towards being happy.
Firstly
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, having
a
Correct article usage
apply
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prime health outweigh being rich. Even if you have millions in the bank but when your body is malfunctioning it will be useless.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
happy
Add an article
the happy
a happy
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 family can not be purchased
by
Change preposition
with
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money
Use synonyms
. A strong family is built
by
Change preposition
through
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 time and effort. People
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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usually bond by blood and choose to respect each individual.
Lastly
Linking Words
, safety is a major problem
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
rich
Add an article
the rich
a rich
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individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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. They
usually
Add a missing verb
are usually
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 the target
for
Change preposition
of
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 some illegal prospects.
Overall
Linking Words
, it seems
having
Change the verb form
to have
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 a
considerably
Replace the word
considerable
show examples
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
 can give
happiness
Use synonyms
 to people, but there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 quite a lot of important
life
Use synonyms
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
 that cash is not essential.
Submitted by Maria_magsakay on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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