Some people believe that success is earning money. Others believe that success is defined by personal happiness. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Success
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can be measured in many different ways. Some
people
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think that
happiness
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comes from a huge salary. Others believe that
success
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has nothing to do with
money
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,
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apply
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but is defined by
happiness
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. Both have their supporters.
This
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essay will examine both these views , and I will express my personal opinion. On the one hand, many believe that being able to earn
money
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is the definition of personal
success
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.
This
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is because
people
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are drawn to think that
money
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achieves satisfaction.
First,
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financial freedom is essential in one’s life.
For example
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, research in India has proved that 40 per cent of its population who have housing are 70 per cent more pleased than others who don’t.
Second,
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society today has reinforced the idea that owning things makes
people
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happy.
Money
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allows
people
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to buy everything and anything they want,
thus
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creating
happiness
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.
Finally
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, there is a belief that filling life with material goods is the measure of
success
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.
On the other hand
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, there is a belief that real achievement is simply being happy. They believe life isn’t about
money
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, but it is about mental freedom.
First,
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while
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someone can be very wealthy, they may not have a healthy mental state.
For instance
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, in a recent survey,
people
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put family, health, love , and lifestyle above
money
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.
Second,
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the saying that
money
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can't buy
happiness
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has merit. It can buy everything but
happiness
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.
Finally
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, if
money
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is the yardstick of measuring
happiness
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,
then
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why is
this
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not reflected in the suicide rate
.
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?
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A recent study revealed that rich
people
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are more likely to kill themselves than poor ones.
Moreover
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, financially stable individuals are less likely to feel satisfaction. In conclusion, in my opinion, real
success
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is not
money
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but being happy. It can be satisfying to be financially stable, but
money
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itself doesn’t bring
happiness
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or fulfilment. Liking who you are and what you do is more important.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the first side needs a bit more full support.
task response
Make your main idea more exact. Some lines repeat the same point about money and things.
task response
Use examples that feel more clear and real. Some number facts seem not fully explained.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some parts jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body paragraph focused on one clear line of thought.
coherence and cohesion
Check how you use words like 'they' and 'this' so the reader always knows the meaning.
task response
You answer both views and give your own opinion clearly in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
You use topic sentences well to show the main idea of each paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial success
  • Personal happiness
  • Intrinsic measure
  • Contentment
  • Fulfillment
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Harmonious life
  • Career achievements
  • Social recognition
  • Subjective nature
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