IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

These days many kids spend a lot of their time playing computer games instead of doing sports. What is the cause of this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#kids #time #computer #games #sports #development
Today, with the advent of technology,
computers
 have become an integral part of human life. These
days
kids
 are exposed to
computers
 at an early age which has resulted in spending less
time
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 physical and outdoor activities. Nowadays parents and working professionals,have as limited
time
 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 used to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in an earlier generation to spend with their
kids
, friends and family which has resulted in exposure to computer
games
 right from a young age. The parents find it convenient for their
kids
 to give them access to
computers
 and the
kids
also
 like spending
time
 on computer
games
. In the early
days
Change to a genitive case
day's
days'
show examples
kids
 used to meet each other and have some physical and outdoor activities but
within
Change preposition
in
show examples
 today’s
world
Add a comma
,world
show examples
 every outdoor activity is now replaced with its virtual form,
kids
 these
days
 prefer to play FIFA or football
games
 on their
computers
 and gaming stations rather playing it on the field. Today, the gaming industry is one of the fastest-growing industries
due to
 its high demand.
On the other hand
,
kids
 these
days
 are reluctant to go out and mix with fellow members from their neighbourhood.
This
 has resulted in fewer human interactions
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and affects physical and mental health, continuous screen
time
also
 affects children eyesight’s and
kids
 these
days
 are getting eyeglasses at a young age.
To conclude
, the negative aspects of
kids
 playing computer
games
 overpower the positive ones.
Submitted by akki11 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • accessibility
  • sophisticated marketing
  • addictive design
  • screen time
  • parental influence
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • social aspect
  • introverted
  • traditional sports
  • inadvertently
  • capture children's attention
What to do next:
Look at other essays: