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Band 6

A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today.  Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?

#people #amount #violence #tv #cinema #actions #increases #society
Nowadays, watching
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
scene
Fix the agreement mistake
scenes
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 television and cinema has a great threat
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the behaviour of the youth in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. I agree with
this
 statement and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should ban
movies
 that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
extreme
Change the word
extremely
show examples
 violent content.
To begin
 with, cruel films that are shown to the public
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 possibility to infect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young minds.
Moreover
, it affects their mental health and gives
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
insight
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
comitting
Correct your spelling
committing
 crimes. Apart from that, the habitual viewing of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 brutal shows would result in
adapting
Correct your spelling
adopting
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
agrressive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
 behaviour.
For instance
,
binge watching
Add a hyphen
binge-watching
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
disturbing
movies
 like "Salo" where wealthy people abused their power and abducted specifically 12 to 15 years old,
exposed
Wrong verb form
exposing
show examples
 them
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 drugs and
hopeless
Replace the word
hopelessness
show examples
 but to follow their commands. I believe,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should not allow
this
 type of
movie
 to be
release
Wrong verb form
released
show examples
. Without a doubt,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 has the full authority to prohibit
this
 type of
movie
.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, a stringent law should be enacted to warn
film makers
Correct your spelling
film-makers
show examples
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
 breaking
this
 rule. If
this
 regulation is strictly followed it would result in lesser crimes and could save the future of the young generations.
For example
, the
movie
 and television and classification and regulation board is the
government
 agency responsible for the rating and films for the Philippines
has
Correct word choice
and has
show examples
 been an
effecient
Correct your spelling
efficient
 in
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 envision for the Filipinos. In conclusion, the amount of exposure to violent
movies
 has
a tremendous effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a tremendous effect
tremendous effects
show examples
 on how people misbehave. I believe
this
 type of
movies
Fix the agreement mistake
movie
show examples
 gives youngsters the
ideas
Fix the agreement mistake
idea
show examples
 in doing
mischievious
Correct your spelling
mischievous
 acts.
Government
Add an article
The government
show examples
 could protect the welfare of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters by implementing a law
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
prohibiting
this
 kind of
movie
.
Submitted by namlaemy on

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitization
  • crucial stage
  • moral and ethical understandings
  • external factors
  • profound impact
  • reflection
  • mitigate
  • stricter regulations
  • depiction
  • empathy
  • conflict resolution
  • collaboration
  • conscious
  • impact
  • promoting
  • culture of peace
  • non-violence
  • public awareness campaigns
  • community programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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