IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information , such as their hobbies and interests , and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful . Others disagree Discuss both views and give your own opnions.

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There is no denying the fact that there are many
employers
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 who ask
people
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 for their personal
information
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 and they see it
very
Change preposition
as very
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 good to know for their own reasons but there are
people
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 who disagree.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
employers
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 who want to know the personal
information
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 of other
people
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, there is
also
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 an argument that there are
people
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 disagree with
this
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, it is beneficial
as
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for
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 an employer to know the personal
information
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 of other
people
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 who want to apply for the jobs.
In other words
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,
employers
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 need to know everything about you to know how you will react in every situation.
In addition
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,
employers
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 want to know if you are married or not to analyse your daily routine.
For example
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, Cambridge University did a study about
if
Correct word choice
whether
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employers
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 benefit from asking other
people
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 about their personal
information
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, they said that 89% of
employers
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 found it beneficial to know their daily routine.
On the other hand
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, many
people
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 see it in another way. It is
also
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 possible to say that
people
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 who ask for jobs say that it is unnecessary to let other
employers
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 know about your life.
Moreover
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, many
people
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 do not have anything to share so they find it embarrassing.
For instance
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, in Saudi Arabia most
employers
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 ask you if you have any hobbies to share because they want to see if you have a social life, 59% see it as a bad question. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that it is important to let
employers
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 ask
people
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 who want the jobs about your daily routine or hobbies to see if you deserve the job or not.

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task response
Your essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both views and providing your opinion. However, try to expand on your reasoning slightly more in the body paragraphs to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph seamlessly connects to the next. You've done a good job but could improve the logical flow by using transition words like 'furthermore' or 'consequently.'
introduction conclusion
You have clearly introduced the topic in the introduction and provided a balanced conclusion, which is a strong point of your essay.
logical structure
The essay demonstrates a logical structure with both perspectives discussed before concluding with your opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural fit
  • teamwork
  • workplace harmony
  • commitment
  • stability
  • job performance
  • discrimination
  • biased hiring practices
  • lifestyle choices
  • privacy invasion
  • relevant
  • professionalism
  • legal implications
  • strict regulations
What to do next:
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