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Band 5

Some people think that success comes from hard work and determination . But some people believe that money and physical appearances are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #work #determination #money #appearances
It
Correct pronoun usage
Some
show examples
 is argued that hard
work
 and
dedication
 are important in
order
 to become successful
while
 others believe that wealth and a
persons
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 outlook are more important .
This
 essay believes that without hard and
dedication
 no
one
 can become successful. In
this
 contemporary era, no
one
 can become successful without patience and determination. In
order
 to complete a task ,
one
 needs to have an aim and
work
 hard. Without hard
work
 and
dedication
one
 cannot achieve his
desire
Replace the word
desired
show examples
 score . It
is not guarantee
Change the verb form
is not guaranteed
show examples
 that
one
 will be able to complete the task
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 his first attempt .
That is
 why
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 hard
work
 is important .
For instance
 , an average student will do good results if he stays punctual and
work
Change the verb form
works
show examples
 hard . Meanwhile , a talented student will do
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 result if he does not stay sincere
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 his studies .
That is
 why
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 hard
work
 and
dedication
 are very important in our life . Some people believe that money and physical appearance are important in
order
 to become successful .
However
 , money helps a person to be
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
track
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 becoming successful. Physical appearances are not important in
order
 to become successful .
For example
 , a person from a rich family will not be successful even if he has enough wealth . In conclusion, without hard and
dedication
 no
one
 can become successful. These two are the main pillars
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
order
 to become successful. Money and physical
appearances
Fix the agreement mistake
appearance
show examples
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not play any role to become successful.
That is
 why
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
they are not important.
Submitted by nislam1803 on

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Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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