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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say patriotism causes problems and is negative overall. Others feel that it is beneficial for society at large. Do the advantages of patriotism outweigh its disadvantages

#people #patriotism #society
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There is an argument that some
people
 think
patriotism
 results in some issues
while
 others assume that it is efficient
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the community in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 big picture. In my opinion,
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
 of
patriotism
 will be over
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 benefits because of
racism
, and
negative
Correct pronoun usage
its negative
show examples
 impact on
world
 peace.
Firstly
, some
people
 think that
patriotism
 is crucial for society because it promotes
nationality’s
Change noun form
nationality
show examples
history
, and
tradition
.
Patriotism
 plays a huge role
of
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in
show examples
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
history
 and future since it is about
pride
Add an article
the pride
a pride
show examples
 of the nation.
People
 who usually remember about
nation’s
history
 are likely to inherit their
history
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 children.
This
 will be
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 benefit
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the future of
nation
Add an article
the nation
a nation
show examples
.
Moreover
, patriotic
people
 usually discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
their
nation’s
 culture and
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
. It can influence
tradition
’s development in a positive way. These
people
 seek to improve their
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
 and advertise about own country
to
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worldwide.
Although
,
patriotism
effects
Correct your spelling
affects
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
nation’s
 development in a good way, it mostly directs to the wrong results. Unfortunately, patriotic view leads to
racism
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most countries
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
confliction
Replace the word
conflict
show examples
 between countries. There are many local groups which aim
for broadening
Change preposition
to broaden
show examples
patriotism
 by judging minority groups. They differentiate
other minor group
Change the wording
another minor group
other minor groups
show examples
 as low-level and consider their country as the greatest.
This
 view
is resulting
Wrong verb form
results
show examples
 in
racism
around
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the community.
For instance
, Hitler started 2nd
world war
Correct your spelling
World War
show examples
inspiring
Wrong verb form
inspired
show examples
 by his
patriotism
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and racist view
on
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of
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 Jewish
people
.
This
history
 reminds us how
patriotism
 leads to danger when it is overused.
Moreover
,
patriotism
 is destroying some countries’ diplomatic relations in some
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
 because of biased
people
 in national culture only. In
patriotism
,
people
 mostly assume their
nations
Fix the agreement mistake
nation
show examples
better
Add a missing verb
is better
show examples
 than other countries, which brings misunderstanding between nations. it is affecting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
diplomatic relations, and
world
 peace in a bad way. To summarize,
patriotism
 could be beneficial to
nation’s
Correct article usage
a nation’s
show examples
history
 and
tradition
 since it is related to
nation’s
Correct article usage
a nation’s
show examples
 pride.
However
, I think
patriotism
 has negative impacts
overall
 because it causes
racism
 between nations, and
effecting to
Verb problem
affects
show examples
world
 peace since
people
 concentrate on only
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
nation’s
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
.
Submitted by ganorgil0927 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are presented in a rather unorganized manner, which affects coherence and makes the essay difficult to follow.
task response
The essay partially addresses the task by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of patriotism. However, the response lacks depth, and the arguments are not adequately supported with relevant examples. The essay should provide a more balanced analysis of the advantages and disadvantages of patriotism and present a clear opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fosters
  • sense of belonging
  • strengthening societal bonds
  • instills
  • pride and loyalty
  • excessive
  • nationalism
  • intolerance
  • discrimination
  • conflict
  • blind allegiance
  • flawed policies
  • unifying force
  • crisis
  • manipulated
  • political leaders
  • division
  • advocating
  • responsibility
  • civic duty
  • engaged
  • informed citizenship
  • balanced and inclusive
  • cultural diversity
  • marginalize
  • minority groups
  • stifle dissent
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