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Band 4

Some people think that having a retirement age of 65 years is unfair. They believe that certain workers should retire earlier and get pension at an early age. Do you agree or disagree? Give examples

#people #retirement #age #years #workers #pension
The retirement
age
 in most countries is 65 which some
people
 think is totally fine,
while
 there are communities that differ about it and think that it must be much less.
This
 essay will demonstrate that the
people
 who are unhappy with retirement
age
 are right but will
also
 define the reasons why
people
 need to work up
65
Change preposition
to 65
show examples
 years old. In my sight of ,view the retirement
age
 must be much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
less than what it is, there are lots of reasons but I think the most important one is that there will be more opportunities for
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 generation, they could find jobs more easily and I think they could be more in need of it than
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 old employer.
secondly
Add a comma
,secondly
show examples
 in my idea
people
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 older than 50 are unable to do their work
as well as
 they have to do it because physically and mentally after working
several
Change preposition
for several
show examples
 years their bodies can not perform as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 performed in the past, on
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
other hand
Change the wording
another hand
other hands
show examples
 if a young employer
that is
 full of energy could do
furthermore
, for ,example a primary school teacher can not be a 65 years old man, I am telling
this
 from my own experience
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because when human
age
 increase they will
lost
Change the verb form
lose
be lost
show examples
 their patient and mentally unable to teach will future doctors and engineers. ,
Additionally
Add a comma
,Additionally
show examples
 there is another important reason that if the governments
decreas
Correct your spelling
decrease
 the
retirenment
Correct your spelling
retirement
age
 younger workers and
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 could find
Add an article
a job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
more easy
Replace the words
easier
show examples
 than now and it can be a solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
 problems
such
 as
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 and
encorage
Correct your spelling
encourage
peolpe
Correct your spelling
people
 to make new families and relations. In conclusion,
although
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are some
people
 who support the role of
retirenment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 at the
ahe
Correct your spelling
age
 of 65,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
prespectively
Correct your spelling
respectively
prospectively
 I think if governments give the chance
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
to
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 generation it could be better for
socitey
Correct your spelling
society
.
Submitted by asgharrrlashkariii on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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