IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think government should ban dangerous sports, such as skydiving and rock climbing. Do you agree or disagree.

#people #government #ban #sports #rock
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It is often argued by a few people that the government should abandon dangerous
sports
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,
such
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 as skydiving and rock climbing. I tend to agree with
this
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 view. I am of the opinion that these dangerous
sports
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 should be banned. Ideas articulated
further
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 in
this
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 discourse will support my stand and at the same time state the contradictory view that others in the society might possibly have. One of the main reasons why the government should ban these
sports
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 is linked
with
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to
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 the mortality rate of
youth
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. What I mean by
this
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 is that
youth
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 are considered future pillars
for
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of
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 any
country
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. It is an irrefutable
fact
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 that the nation grows at an exponential speed
,
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apply
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 if the reins of a
country
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's development are given in the hands of
youth
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.
For instance
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, as per the survey conducted by the Times of India, in 2022,
GDP
Correct article usage
the GDP
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 of India grew by 10% because of young entrepreneurs. By banning these
sports
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, we can decrease the death rate of
youth
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 and can see the steady growth of the
country
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.
Secondly
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, negative behavioural change is
also
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 seen among individuals who prefer these
sports
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. It is an undeniable
fact
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 that these
sports
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 require high energy and high adrenaline.
This
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 behaviour makes them violent in nature and it is found that they end up committing juvenile crimes because of the high level of
energies
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energy
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 developed
due to
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 these
sports
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.
On the other hand
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, there are people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society who are of the outlook that these
sports
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 should not be banned. The reason why proponents support
this
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fact
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 is because of
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
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 of fear among individuals.
In other words
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, people who opt for these
sports
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 become less fearful in nature and a
winner
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winning
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 attitude is developed among them. These
sports
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also
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 help individuals to face hardships, which makes them learn how to never quit in life irrespective of
hardships
Correct article usage
the hardships
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you
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 face.
To conclude
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, there surely are those in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society who seem to be convinced with the
fact
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 that dangerous
sports
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 like skydiving and rock climbing should not be banned, and they assumingly have all the right reasons to back their conviction. I,
however
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, am of the opinion that banning these
sports
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 will not only save the early deaths of our
youth
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,
which
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who
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 are future
torch bearers
Add a hyphen
torch-bearers
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 of our
country
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, but it will
also
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 keep their anxiety and violent behaviour in check.
Submitted by harshrewari on

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task response
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a clear opinion on whether the government should ban dangerous sports. However, the reasoning could be strengthened by addressing potential counterarguments in a more detailed manner.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and presents a well-organized argument. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more developed to provide a more comprehensive overview of the overall argument. Additionally, there could be better use of cohesive devices to improve the coherence of ideas throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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