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Band 4.5

Some people think government should ban dangerous sports, such as skydiving and rock climbing. Do you agree or disagree.

#people #government #ban #sports #rock
It is often argued by a few people that the government should abandon dangerous
sports
,
such
 as skydiving and rock climbing. I tend to agree with
this
 view. I am of the opinion that these dangerous
sports
 should be banned. Ideas articulated
further
 in
this
 discourse will support my stand and at the same time state the contradictory view that others in the society might possibly have. One of the main reasons why the government should ban these
sports
 is linked
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the mortality rate of
youth
. What I mean by
this
 is that
youth
 are considered future pillars
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 any
country
. It is an irrefutable
fact
 that the nation grows at an exponential speed
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if the reins of a
country
's development are given in the hands of
youth
.
For instance
, as per the survey conducted by the Times of India, in 2022,
GDP
Correct article usage
the GDP
show examples
 of India grew by 10% because of young entrepreneurs. By banning these
sports
, we can decrease the death rate of
youth
 and can see the steady growth of the
country
.
Secondly
, negative behavioural change is
also
 seen among individuals who prefer these
sports
. It is an undeniable
fact
 that these
sports
 require high energy and high adrenaline.
This
 behaviour makes them violent in nature and it is found that they end up committing juvenile crimes because of the high level of
energies
Fix the agreement mistake
energy
show examples
 developed
due to
 these
sports
.
On the other hand
, there are people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society who are of the outlook that these
sports
 should not be banned. The reason why proponents support
this
fact
 is because of
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
show examples
 of fear among individuals.
In other words
, people who opt for these
sports
 become less fearful in nature and a
winner
Replace the word
winning
show examples
 attitude is developed among them. These
sports
also
 help individuals to face hardships, which makes them learn how to never quit in life irrespective of
hardships
Correct article usage
the hardships
show examples
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 face.
To conclude
, there surely are those in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society who seem to be convinced with the
fact
 that dangerous
sports
 like skydiving and rock climbing should not be banned, and they assumingly have all the right reasons to back their conviction. I,
however
, am of the opinion that banning these
sports
 will not only save the early deaths of our
youth
,
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 are future
torch bearers
Add a hyphen
torch-bearers
show examples
 of our
country
, but it will
also
 keep their anxiety and violent behaviour in check.
Submitted by harshrewari on

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task response
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a clear opinion on whether the government should ban dangerous sports. However, the reasoning could be strengthened by addressing potential counterarguments in a more detailed manner.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and presents a well-organized argument. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more developed to provide a more comprehensive overview of the overall argument. Additionally, there could be better use of cohesive devices to improve the coherence of ideas throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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